Am on me fcukin' holidas man - chasin' aall that Spanish bush - and am still as ba$tard sick as a tw@tin mackem gypo who's just been binned by England. A strolled doon from me luck-chew-ry villa to the pool on sarada aftanoon with me wireless - ready for some rays, a bit of 'spot the spiders legs' and a tune-in to woorld sorvice - happy as a pig in a poke. So am lyin' there - face doon like - when it comes awa on the wireless that wor gettin' beat off them molestin' gets from doon the A19. A lost me wood streyt away and was nee good all neet. Then this mornin' when a glimpsed a cockney vorsion of the NOTW - a couldn't resist it and a had to get tee a in-the-net café, an aall that, so a could send this.

Wot's drivin' us crackas is that speccy tw@t of a $hitehawk - Douglas 'Charlie' Hall. Thoorty-fcukin'-fowa pence a share and shootin' the odds! Howay you to$$pot - a think ya brain's been shrivelled by aall ya dorty habits, an aall that. This is the same gadgey who was lined up tee flog nearly aall of his shares tee NTL last yoor. Diz he think wor numb tw@ts or wot - it's not ya fcukin' dateless missus ya fobbin' off yer nar. Ya mam might forgive ya for aall that brothelizin' with that dorty sweaty scrap man, but arve got yee sussed oot. You just want me season ticket money for next fcukin' yoor!

And a nar where a can find yer this week - yer neva gan to the match - there's too many bad lads afta ya. So yer time has come, a nar where yer hang oot 'cos it's on ya website doon here - ya thick get.

Rua José Joaquim de Freitas, 247
Apartado 280 - 2751 Cascais Codex
PORTUGAL
Telephone : (01) 484 1151 - Fax : (01) 484 4016
E-Mail : chp@cameronhall.pt

That's just roond the corna from Spain. Av got meesel a flashy vespa for tomorra and for certain aall be knockin' on your fcukin door in the aftanoon, an all that. Get ya best lad ready cos am afta ya - reet.

By this sangria's mustard gear - top notch - a betta gan for a lie doon. See yez soon - softy fcukas.

What an utter load of fcukin' $hite that was - an' aall that. Sell the lorra them - useless softy fcukas. Nowt - absolutely twatin' nowt to remember. Nee chances - apart from Acuna's nod ower the bar - then they scored. Howey the mackem - who missed oot on Euro 96 'cos he got his wing nuts pinned back - is noo bein' taalked aboot as England class! Jeesuus man - he did nowt 'cos wor front two never showed - and the midfieldas woz incapable of keepin' the baal at aall. Awld Bobby's theory aboot us bein' full of character and aallwez booncin' back afta' a set back, an' aall that, looks like it's got holes in it noo - lost to Chelsea, Charlton and Man City. Thank fcuk we took 6 points off dorty Leeds - 'cos if we hadn't we'd be reet doon among the dregs.

When a got in the groond a woz thinkin' wor crowd was class compared to the mackems torn-oot last week. But then a sussed oot that aall the dear seats that aalwez stay empty had been given away tee a load a tw@ts who'd had a $hite Christmas party at the groond. So if there woz 300 of them, 3000 City fans, 1000 in boxes on freebies, 15000 oarly leavers, 15000 who stayed 'til the end to boo - that means we had a crowd of aboot 16000 canny lads. Am not sure aboot votin' with your feet and pissin' off early - that's dodgy smoggie behaviour - but at least they didn't stay to boo. Booin' is un-ba$tard-believable man - it's the forst time eva I've heard oot like that. Bollox to the lorra them. Awld Bobby's twin brother Awld Sid - who was sat beside us - succinctly summed it aall up for me at the end - bunch of gaylord toss-pot twatin' booin' shitehawk flithy mackem ba$tards. But then a noticed even Awld Bobby was booin the twatin' players an' aall!

A knar me incisive match report's a bit late an aall that, but a was plannin' to dee it on Sunda' aftanoon. Instead of dee'in it a went oot on the hoy in Bradford where a was told to meet up with JT for a sesh of takin' the pi$$ out of the locals afore headin' off for a curry an aall that.

But nee fcuka' turned up and a was sat by mesel' in the middle of Bradford from 3 o' - fcukin' - clock 'till half past ba$tard 5. A thought 'What's gannin on here - is this a set up an aall that?' Fair enough a had me Sunda' Sun to read but a was sat there like a reet knacker aall afta'noon. Eventually some of the lads showed their faces but that tw@t JT didn't even bother at aall - w@nker ! It was that ba$tard's idea to have a Christmas doo an aall. To$$er.

Fcuk 'im - a knar a've aanly been a Yorkshiremag for a few months an all that but we need a re-election to kick him oot - fcuka' ! He' spendin' too much time stokin' a Yorkshire boiler and has nee time for us noo. At least am bein' reasonable aboot it. Big Macolm from the Mountains is gonna rive his fcukin' heed off - he came 30 mile for the session.

But there wasn't much to say aboot the match. That numb get Fred West at full back nearly got the same treatment off me that he dished oot to Rose and the youngins for givin' the baal away at the end. For fcuks sake man we shouldn't have been $hitein' worsels for last 10 minutes. Fair enough awld Bobby was crippled with injuries an all that but what was that Mincer Given deein' comin' - then stopin' - for that cross an aall that? He wants birchin' - but he'd probably enjoy it. Big Al did alreet hobblin' aroond like peg-leg Don Brennan but didn't Doggy Dyer dee the business again eh ? What a canny lad - nee wonda Dorty Leeds want the little $hagger to take ower when their bad lads - Bowyer and Smoggie Woodlouse gan to jail. Am desparate for jury service me - hang the ba$tards from the Toon Hall clock - an aall that.

Nee getting' away from it, we were spanked - or call it whipped even - or even fcukin' flagellated - or summit like that an aall that. Fair enough awld Bobby struggled to get a team together, wot with aall the injuries an aall that, but them goals were aall that same man. Give the baal away, get caught square an aall that and fcuk me another tw@tin' goal. Nee striker, centa backs who couldn't cope and mid-fieldas that couldn't get the baal back - after the same daft ba$tards had given it away in the first place an aall that.

Anda tell yez wot else an aall - that Biffa must have been gassed by the smog when he was ravin' aboot Lu Lu afta the Smoggies game. He's aanly touched the fcukin' baal half a dozen fcukin' times since! Alky Adams wasn't exactly worried by him was he? Damage limitation, accordin' to awld Bobby, was fair enough but it was men against boys oot there man. Sweaty Freddy needs to think aboot what he's ganna dee to keep wor gannin' through the rest of the season - 'cos it's nee good trawlin' arroond for on-loan cart horse strikers. The is Newcastle United we're talkin' aboot man - get a grip you mincin' rag-and-bone man otherwise am gonna get mesel roond your hoose and cripple your tw@tin' cart-horse, an aall that.

Can ya fcukin' believe it, eh? What a champion point, an aal that, on Sarada. A went crackers when wor skinny little Inca lobbed that big lang streak of yellow stuff - Sid James. Fair enough a knar a give him some stick after the match against the Worzels but noo he's gone and got his act together in front of goal. Me slatin's done him the worrrrlllld of good, an aall that. But divunt get carried away - aanly 3 shots on goal yesterda. Fair enough injuries have knackered us, but howay there must be summit awld Bobby can dee ready for Arsenal next week to dredge oot another canny point.

He could give that little hairy ar$ed Argie a lashin'. Mebbies me razor sharp tactics will get him reet for next week - as he's nealry a cert to start noo that Big Al's done his knee. That's what he needs - a big fcukin' razor takin' to his heed after that heada. Get aall that greasy, loppy, hippy heed sh:te right off and doon to the bone. Simple eh - an aal that!

But what's gannin on with that old tw@t who's been bringin' his tart to the last few matches, an aall that? Well the get got hammered at Villa cos shiz aanly gone and dumped the awld get again. An aall this afta he's spent a fcukin' fortune on her, an aall that, with new posh clays from Fenix, neets oot at dooze and even a grandads' cruise roond the Canaries in 6 weeks time! Fair enough she was lettin him fill his boots roond her hoose every neet and he's awlder than awld Bobby - so he should a been awer the fcukin' knock for gettin' some, an aall that, at his age. But sh:t a brick man that's nee way to treat a canny lad that used to be in Coronation Street. Ye nar man - awld peg leg cabbie gadgie, Don. At least he'd float if the cruise ship sinks - an aall that. So what does he dee to get back with her - he aanly gans and gets legless.

Get in !!! - Mackems sneak 3 points last week then we dredge 3 back from them horrible-est excuses for comedians - The Red Scousers! Who would you pay money to gan and see - Roy Chubby Brown or Stan Boardman? Fcukin nee contest - that scouse excuse for a wet skid mark wouldn't fill me fatha's pigeon cree on a rainy neet. He's a tw@t - but fair enough his daughter is as fit as sticks though but. The only thing Stan ever did right was have a go at the Jormans - an aall that. But what aboot kung fu king Warren Partin' havin' a gan at one of their Jormans? He aanly gans and brushes his gynaecologist's fingers under thesneck of Heinrich Hamman when that Jorman faalls ower as if he's been lamped by that crew of Gatesheed lads who smacked Don Hutch last Sarada neet! Fair enough, Warren's fingers may have been a bit pungent an aall that - but call his sel a hard Jorman? More like a mincing Eyetie to me.

So England's only reps left in the Fairs Cup turn up and they start to sing "You've never won fcuk all !" So who gives a sh:t! It's aall relative man isn't it ? We don't expect to win fcuk all - they do - and it hurts them when they are being totally bossed by Manure. And a tell ya wot else - nee wonder Big Ish pulls like Roger the Rabbit ower there - hell man that bench of theirs mustn't exactly have the scouse lasses knickers wringin' wet an aall that. Ugly, big nosed Phil and a lardy arsed jockey Sammy Lee? Howay man - they couldn't pull leaks. So they might dee us for 3 points back at Anfield an aall that - but ya knar a couldn't give a toss. We needed the 3 points more than them today and we got them. Champion! And whatever happened to Ken Dodd?

enuff said - an aall that.

Ye knaa a didn't get today, an' aall that, but if you look back at me last reports you'll have seen that awld man Bobby must have been tunein' in. Looka man it's obvious - after Bradford he gans and bins Harper, gives Shearer a bollockin' and sorts oot the defence. So we then get a result against Ipswich - when it only came good when we went four at the back, an aall that.

But that Domi still must have got a smack roond his french fcukin' frogs legs, an all that 'cos he seemed to dee allreet today. Canny baall in to Dyer, flick on and it's ones-a-piece - and this happens after Bobby gans 4-4-2 and nee wing backs again, an aall that !

So with the Mackems comin' to Toon next Saturday am sweatin' on what tips, an aall that, to pass on to Bobby. Goma's gotta knack that long streak of paddy p'ss Quinn, straight off. Then that little Gypo, who admits he plays with him self when he's in the England hotel, need's a big smack on the back of the knee. After that we get to grips with Geordie Don. Fair enough he's from Gatesheed an aall that, but he'll be up for it. Speedy should sort him then it'll be aall ower, an aall that. Five nowt - easy - over to you Bobby!

We needed them points and goals so you won't catch me moanin, an aall that. But ye nar a was sat there in the front row of the Milburn balcony lookin doon on it all and a tell ye what, we created nowt. Two lang balls, two goals. Fair enough sometimes you need to grind out a result, an aall that, but howay man this wing back lark is gettin right on me t'ts. That Domi needs to get his cards marked - he couldn't gan past the full back on a f--kin motor bike man. And as for that Nobby, fair enough he got injured, but it must have happened in the first minute cos his passin, crossin and dribblin was sh-te right from the start.

But what's awld man Bobby on aboot sayin Bob Lee could sweep for England, an aall that. He must have meant sweep the road after aall the floodin, an aall that. And a tell you what else - just wait till I find oot who that announcer is who said Goma was man of the match. Fair enough Goma had a canny game, an aall that, but am gannin roond the announcer's hoose and am gonna level it. Big Al was man of the match - nee contest - he was rock.

If only there'd been a camera at 11.30 pm on Saturday night when Gary's skiddies were discarded 'round the back of Wakefield Cathedral. Skiddies is the perfect description of his underwear - he'd over confidently tried to nip one off on the way home (he fell asleep on the bus and missed his stop by 3 miles). He'd obviously forgotten the stomach churning escapade in Wetherspoons when he'd spilled a big bloke's drink - which he then compounded by pouring cider down the same bloke's back. So insides churning, replete with cheeseburgers and cider, shaken up by the run for the bus (when he slipped on his ar$e), all added together for a follow-through and a soiled and spoiled pair of Calvin Kleins - which ended up as emergency Andrex. An hour later when he gets in - with a severely chaffed ar$e crack, bruising over his back, no knickers and a sackless look on his face, claiming he was 'bu-ggered' by the long walk home what would you think if you were his wife? You'd probably think he had been.

Ye knaa a didn't get to the match last night, an' aall that, but that Shearer needs his hoose torchin' for that back pass. We was coastin at 3 nowt man. Fair enough, Al did score two but what's he deein givin Bob Lee and Caldwell a tongue lashin', an' aall that? Caldwell was makin his home debut, fair enough, but then again man what's he deein slippin on his f--kin arse for their first and then letting Ashley Ward score two in the 2^nd half? Ashley f--kin Ward for f--ks sake!!! Now he's a knacker dan that wants a big knotty prop wrapin' roond the back of his nappa, an aall that. Bet there was fireworks from awld Bobby - but I'd give that fairy Harper fireworks - I'd nail a Catherine Wheel to his bell end for that flap at the cross, an' aall that.