Issue 13           April 2000 (semi-final special)
 
 
Featuring: Editorial
New recruits
Free the Croydon One / A Leg-end
Questions and answers
Wheelie Bin binned
Phone quiz
Letters
Mr Angry
Mystic Mag
Bits and pieces

 

Due to Laura Cook's impending 'A' levels this issue was thrown together by none other than our secretary, Man U and Mackem lover Dave Bailey.
 

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EDITORIAL

Sunday's trip to London will probably end in further Wembley negative goal difference -currently standing at minus 12 since my first trip there in ‘74. But going in hope rather than expectation is no different to the last 2 years. There's no lucky part of the ground either - we always lose. The only change is that we are going to a match and not celebrating being there - as we did for the last 2 visits. I’m sure most people aren't that bothered about the venue but perhaps we would have felt differently if it was our first visit since ‘76. So, to totally disregard the Paul Cook approach, as reported in Pud 12, we are playing CHELSEA FC.

JT is going to wear his CHELSEA boots (but may stick to his Hush Pups), Tom will have his unlucky BLUE thong up the crack of his arse, and we could have a pint in the STAMFORD (not really - we’re off to the Monkey Puzzle on Edgware Road). And I've already got a cup final pin badge design prepared by Dean.

Dave B
 

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LATEST RECRUITS

It has become a regular feature to provide a quick pen picture of anyone new, but as this often relies on limited contact the first impressions reported are often scurrilous and offensive. But what the hell, here goes again.

We extend welcomes to students, granddads, strange names, and Welshmen. They are:

Janet Boyd - from Hull who works at the university and is - I think - their green issues & environmental strategist. Sounds like a hippy job I know but actually she’s a canny lass - came to the last meeting and went to the Watford game.

Mick Barber - Leeds student, studying law and would really appreciate a placement with our sponsors for the summer. He can be relied upon to drink impressively in the THT and do any running around for senior partners in search of cup final tickets, taxis, sandwiches, excuses.

Giles Cheetham - The Screaming Skull. Expectations were high when we heard he was coming to the meeting having seen the mention of the club on Biffa’s web site. The name (no not Giles, but Cheetham) raised fears and forboding. Would he introduce himself in the same manner as another user of that name - “Cheat" as in cards, "ham" as in sandwich. He didn’t. He does have a pony tale though, and we thought he was in the running for daft name of the year but then we heard from....

...Emrys Hillan from Oldham.
That’s all we know about him but he deserves a membership for living with it.

Stan Ash - with an undeniably old fashioned-ish, proper name. He’s from Ripon and we hoped to see him in the King Billy in Ripon on the way back after the Bradford at home but our new form of transport meant we had to get straight back after the match. Sony Stan. Or is it Stanley ? Now Stan is a proper footballers name. Not like your arse-wipe Jamies, Keirons and Jasons.

Richard Livermore - It gets more interesting. Richard is from South Wales and his antecedents are fully explained in the letters section. He came along to the Liverpool game and seemingly took some abuse from the Scousers in the Centenary stand, but still enjoyed the day out. He also brought along his father in law, John Ludlam - our oldest member, I think - who at 80 still looks fitter than JT. He resides in Newport and is keen to get to as many matches as possible. Richard and John saw the advert in the Sheff Wed programme.

Michael Newton another student, this time from Hull, who wrote pleading for a semi ticket. But despite the forthright knockback he still got in touch asking if he could get to various matches before the end of the season. That’s all we know really but Jan intends to get in touch with him to find our more.
 

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FREE THE CROYDON ONE

Many will have heard of the unlucky visitor to the Stadium of Light (nice ground, great facilities, friendly fans. Ed) who stepped over the advertising hoardings to retrieve a ball for England’s number out during the warm-up. He got nicked and fined. But what about the Croydon One - Shakey.

He travels up from London has a few in Newcastle, gets the last possible train to a far-flung suburb of Greater Newcastle, ‘Mackemville’, emerges from the train gets herded into a line by some plods many of who were not local.

The plods get a little too strict for our free-spirited 100 percenter who then mutters - in response to the strong arm tactics - sad mackem h@$t(~”-’s”

“Who said that?” said the only plod to take offence - obviously a SMB - who then conducts a Gestapo like parade on the platform and hoicks out our number one member of the resistance.

An afternoon in jail follows and he has to rely on updates shouted along the cell block. Unlucky.

A Leg-end in his own lifetime

Then a month later the home defeat at the hands of our semi-final opponents obviously disappoints the rest of the London based supporters. On the train back after the match things come to a head when Shakey offers some feedback to Crazy Horse who opinioned on the omission Kevin Gallacher. - claiming it was down to a fall out with Bobby Robson. It went something like this:

Shakey - “Eh? F*@k off you don’t know what are you on about you daft

Crazy Horse responded to this constructive criticism by grabbing Shakey but the throat. Luckily Sex God used his common sense and pulled off Crazy Horse. (fnnaaar, fnnaaar.!!)

Things settled down, programmes and Pinks were read but those of us who know The Leg also know he is a ‘Leg-end’ who has no fear. Having bided his time in his seat he decided to go to the toilet, politely asking his table companions to let him out. Everyone else thought the earlier incident was long forgotten, they failed to notice that the veins on his neck were pumping.

Needless to say - as he casually walked past Crazy Horse - he took his revenge and dived on him, causing massive uproar and besmirching the name of the fine club. Canny lad!
 

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QUESTIONS AND ANSWERS

Q.  What did JT get up to on his birthday night out after the Wattord game and did he have much to drink?

A.  Too much for a normal mortal. Loads of Beer and Jack Daniels.  See Big Issue’s report below.

Q. Hello, My name is Michael Newton and I’m a student studying in Hull but I live in, and come from Gateshead outside of term time. A Geordie in exile so to speak. I would be very interested in getting a hold of any home or away tickets for Newcastle games. The cup semi would be very nice indeed! Is there any chance of getting any? Yours, Mikey Newton from Hull.

A.   Sorry Mike but there’s no chance of a semi ticket. Cheeky student git.

Q. Why do you always refer to NUFC.com - the best unofficial football site on the web - as Biffa’s site? Yours, Niall Mackenzie, NUFC.com

A.  Because it is a good nickname, easy to remember, unusual and he's bear-like. Your name reminds us of a lanky string of Mackem detritus and Scotland. So get a nickname.

Q. Did anyone apart from me notice how well one of our group looked at Liverpool. He must have just got back from his holidays - did he go anywhere nice ? Yours, Sheila from Pudsey.

A.  Actually he suffers from Addison’s disease and although its treatable and in remission it is very dodgey. Those students of English literature out there may also know that it killed Jane Austen. However, Sheila, Jane was not a member of the supporters club.

Q. If you see a Mackem on a bike, why should you never swerve to hit him?

A.  It might be your bike he’s riding.

Q. Did you hear about our chairman’s fine effort in the hotel on Sunday after the Watford game. He gets me to arrange all of the accommodation as well as a damn fine discount. Gets me to increase the number of people from 19 to 24 on the Friday night which was achieved after some hassle. Gets me to reduce the number of people from 24 to 17 Saturday lunch time (more hassle), then f@*~s off on Sunday leaving me with him and his mate’s hotel bill which he had “forgotten” to pay. Piss head. Yours etc, Big Issue.

A.  Aye what a character. Eh!! Canny 50 year old lad - canny bag of Tudor - The Tyne the Tyne, the mucky Tyne, the Queen of all the Rivers, why ya bugger man. Etc.

Q. What was all the feng shite stuff getting at in the last pud? I didn't have a clue what it was about. Yours, Gabby from London.

A.  It was aimed at our driver who, remarkably, made it into most of the national press when he and their lass pulled out of the purchase of a house when it got a piss poor rating from a hippy bird with greasy hair .. .a feng shui expert. Sorry if the references were too subtle for you.
 

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WHEELIE BIN BINNED (The secret diary of a former barman binman)

I used to be happy as Bin. I’m a student in Leeds from where I used to fund my habit by working in the Headingley Taps. But the more I’ve got into the Yorkie toon gang, the more I’ve realised I don’t want to be a bin. I want to be a Dingle! I crave the Tad scene.

I want to be just like Sam Dingle, or at least look like him. So as you may have seen I my hair is cropped and I don’t wear my toon top anymore. I want designer gear, and I want the lifestyle that comes with it. Nights out in Wetherby and Tad, loads of Sam Smith’s. Gauge in Tozzies, Tad kebabs, breakfast at Zach’s.

I’ve even mastered the family motto “Ayinger Brau - that’s German for shite through the eye of a needle the next morning”

But how can I break the news to the folks back home, Big Skip and Swing Bin. They’ll be distraught when they find out I want to forego my student days and - as a result of a pre-Liverpool night out with Sam - I have now lost my job at The Taps and I am really down to my last liner to wear.

I don’t think Big Skip appreciated the significance of me being toon topless on Saturday. Lets hope he keeps susbsidising me until I can afford a Nokia WAP phone and my first £150 iumper - with a compass on the sleeve. Sam has loads, even Butch and their cousin MarIon from Stanley has one. I’ve mastered the walk - quick striding and hands never in pockets. But when I get that first jumper, that first button-on compass, I’ll be there, I’ll be a dresser. Perhaps I should learn to knit.
 

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PHONE QUIZ

Hamish is the man for mobiles. But this bit recalls the trip on the bus to the Stadium of Light (nice ground, great facilities, friendly fans . Ed.)

JT set the ball rolling by sending out the following text message in transit:

“Peter Reid~c got a f#%*”$g monkey’s heed!!”

This is what he got back:

1. “Exterminate the Mackems for me.”

2. “F(2~*k the SMBs”

3. “..and he peels bananas with his feet”

4. “howay the Toon”

5. “What do you expect from an inbred scouser”

6. “Is that you Tommo?”

7. “Aye, canny lad, nee scrappin”
 

See the bottom to find out which one Lorna Lloyd sent.
 

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LETTERS

Dear Pud,

I saw JT in the bogs just before kick-off. at Sheff Wed. I patted him on the back on my way out as he came in the wrong way, said “Alreet JT’. He just looked at me in a drunken stupor (how did he get through the turnstiles?!!), then carried on singing away, completely oblivious to anyone else. That’s leadership from our Chairman for you!!!

Cheers, Graeme P
 

Mr Baliey, (as the reservation tickets said on the Liverpool train!),

Yes I am very desperate for a semi-final ticket and in order to get higher up on your list I am willing to lick arse to get there. Having spoken to our lass (also a member!) she has agreed in order to keep me happy that she will lend her discount card for you and your lovely family (lick lick) to go and have a meal at the Pizza Hut, Bella Pasta and various restaurants, I’m sure you’re lovely daughter Sarah would enioy that don’t you?

Our lass, who by the way thinks you are a great lad, will be very very disappointed if I don’t get a ticket, and you wouldn’t want to upset her by not getting me a ticket would you????

Also I don’t know who the hell Scary spice is in the competition, it’s no good telling me about ways to get tickets if you don’t give the answers as well!

How do those lucky thieving scousers do that every year - it is so annoying. Have you noticed that every time the Dingles’ dad comes to watch the Toon we seem to get beat. Canny Lad.

I hope I am top of the list now after that senous licking up to you, let me know if you want the card, no problem.

Cheers, Jason

All power corrupts - so I’m still holding out for a 25 inch nicam telly.
 

Dear Dave,

Thanks for the e-mail. I’m glad we were able to get in touch.
I’ve supported Newcastle United since I was in junior school in the 5O’s, either since the 52 or 55 Cup Final. I can’t remember which as it was so long ago.

My school team played in black & white stripes, and of course, that’s where it started, and I’ve always looked for St. Mirren’s results as they used to play in black & white then, though I’ve no idea what their colours are now. It was at about the same time that the great John Charles was transferred from Leeds United to Juventus, and as a child, if we were wearing white shorts I pretended I was him, and if in black shorts, I was Jackie Milburn.

Sky TV re-awakened my interest in the Mags about 5 or 6 years ago (plus the exciting team Kevin Keegan put together), but it is only this season that I’ve managed to get tickets to go to matches.

I have managed to get tickets for one game at St. James’ Park, the 2-I win over Tottenham (we were in the Exhibition Stand). What a place! What an atmosphere!, and have been to the away defeats at Coventry (4-1) and Wimbledon (2-0), and the 2-0 win against Sheffield Wednesday.

We were behind the goal where Shearer scored the 2nd at Hillshorough, and the adulation the fans had for him was wonderful to be part of, and how it must have made him feel, I cannot imagine.

I go to the matches with my father-in-law, who is 80, but easily passes for 60 and behaves like a kid! He is almost as fanatical as I am. That’s my background.

Regarding the information you sent me, yes, please, put us in touch with the Bristol lads, it could he useful for both them and us.

I don’t expect that we will be likely to get to the monthly meetings in the ‘Toon’ Hall Tavern. It’s a long way to go to drink diet coke (car driver) and watch other people enjoying a pint, but if we are lucky enough to get tickets, we’d be happy to travel via Leeds and meet up and share transport then. (My mother-in-law’s home made pasties are world famous in Newport and she would make LOADS).

In short we would love to join your group, and please seed me some copies of Yorkshire Pud to my home address.

I note that membership is free for the rest of the season, but I don’t feel that as a newcomer it’s fair for us to jump in and get tickets without contributing something so please let me have the address to send a donation to the Bradford University Bums Research Unit, and I’ll send our ‘free’ subscription there.

Regarding tickets for matches, we would feel very lucky to get any for St. James’s, and if any could be spared for even one game, we would be thrilled, and anything more than that would he amazing but as newcomers, we would not want to be pushy.

As for away games, they seem from my efforts to be a little easier to get, though Anfield would of course be hugely popular. If possible, though, that game and the game at Derby would be great.

I look forvard to hearing from you, and if you know the fill words to Blaydon Races, please send that as well!

Richard Livermore
 

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MR ANGRY

Dogs Breakfast

That’s what it is. The re-modeled St James’ Park looks like utter dog shite. Admit it, you’ve all looked up at it as you walked past on Barrack Road and thought “Whey hey what a canny stand” but when you get in and look at how the roof lines are and the height of the upper deck of the Leazes End there’s no denying it looks like pants. The East Stand is left over from a multi storey car park and can’t be extended because of the impact on the Georgian facade of Leazes Terrace. A facade is the right name for it as inside are student flats or slums. So knock it down and if it's that special put it somewhere else.

Nice legs shame about the face

Now those of you went to Greater Newcastle suburb for the mackem match will have seen a ground built from scratch which isn’t that bad.

Don’t be conned by the hype - it's cheap and nasty in parts but so is ours. The bars are crap but so are ours. You just can’t beat Old Trafford.

A price for everyone

St James’ will hold loads, but loads will have a poor view. “Set to become a soccer super stadium to rank with the worlds finest” according to the NUFC magazine. “The full awesome extent of the structure is becoming evident” oooooooeeeeee!! “is believed to be the largest cantilever stand in existence in Europe” lordy lordy, take note Statto.

Who writes the stuff. Is he being blackmailed. Tell it how it is man. This is the truth ..... great location, easy to get to, plenty of seats but it looks crap inside.

More can get in

Bizarrely the Freddies intend to put the family stand in the upper tier of the Leazes - with the promise of Sony Play Stations in the special faniily lounge. What’s the point? Kids don’t want to see how the match pans out or if we are playing 3 at the back. They want to be close to action, any action. They want Alan Shearer to come within shouting distance. They want to smell his linament They want to hear him swear at the Baldy Georgian. If you put the kids upstairs in the Leazes they’ll see more on the telly. Again the club preaches the mantra of the next generation and the danger of the lost generation’. They’ll be lost to Play Stations and televised matches if they end up on the top deck. Get real.

They should put all of the non-compliant bondsmen and the Freddies up there and save the best seats in front of the East Stand for die kids - as they do now. They are the future.

Sod S.O.S and their bonds - who cares where they end up. Those who bought them for the love of the club and to contribute something to John Hall’s vision - we salute you - but bloody hell they got the chance of an equivalent seat in the east stand or lower down in the Milburn. Don’t patronise us by saying you don’t want to displace other loyal fans. Because you bought the bonds either for the good of the club or for self-interest This is for the good of the club. So move.

Now the club should have grovelled to you at the start of the season - new business plans, strategies, targets etc - and done a deal. But they didn’t think it through.

NUFC is a football club run as a profit driven limited company, not for the benefit of its members. Its a shame but its primaryr responsibility is to its share holders. Now unless the share holders trust takes off -profit will always be its purpose.

The directors have made a decision to improve the company’s turnover by re-valuing the seats in the Milburn and Leazes stand - aiming at attracting high-value, premium customers. They’ll struggle to get them though but.

And bond holders have been asked to move to facilitate this attempt to increase the match day yield. So it means that some customers who thought they were the high yield, highest valued customer are in fact lower down the pecking order.

A dodgey insurance policy which has not covered the risk is what they have. Some bought the myth perpetrated by Sir John Hall that the deal would help buy the best players. But others invested in self(ish) preservation - to avoid being hit with Platinum Club pnces. Its tough on some but you should do the deal   or pay the premium to stay where you are. It’s that simple.

And when NUFC want a new Freddy Fletcher I’m your man.
 

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MYSTIC MAG

And they're off!

The annual battle of man and beast to overcome a series of obstacles, survive a grueling trial of endurance, heart stopping moments arid wallet busting frivolity.

NO, not the Grand National but the Yorkshire branch efforts to come through a semi-final involving Newcastle United.

The new bookies Brokelads have released a special series of bets sure to entice you.

It’s evens that Wheely will end up in a room by bimself, JT will end up in someone else’s room, Neil McKay will end up in someone else’s hotel.

It’s 3/1 that Graham will miss the winning goal because he’s fallen asleep, Steady because he’s been evicted from the Chelsea end and Keith because he’s tried to smuggle a three legged frog into Wembley.

It’s 10/1 that the Dingles and Tom will link arms down Wembley way to sing “All you need is love’, or that Alma and Linda will sing “Loving the Alien’.

Finally odds of 50/1 are offered on the Newcastle end having a whipround to buy Freddie Fletcher a leaving present.

But what Mystic Mag can tell you for certain is that Alan Shearer will get the first goal. There’s a saying in racing that to make money you should back a horse to do what he’s done before and the same applies in football. So have five points from our slightly diminished bank on the main man to notch again for the third year running at the likely odds of 9/2.

Now the Grand National, where a simple process of elimination will lead you to the winner.

Firstly, in the past ten years only one horse has won at odds over 16/1 so forget the outsiders.

Secondly, no horse in recent memory has carried more than l0st 8lb to the winning enclosure so forget the top weights. Thirdly, history shows you must have shown form in a big field and over three miles to win this race - so forget the dark horses.

Finally, you should have won this year and have proven form on the ground - likely to be good or good to soft.

After feeding all this into the crystal ball two horses emerge - Micko’s Dream at 16/1 and Cavalero at 20/1. Back them with five points each to win. The golden rule these days is to shop around off-shore firms and internet bookies to avoid tax and get better deals.

Many will offer special deals for the National and if you’re thinking of betting each way (Kendal Cavalier at 40/1 is the best long shot) then try bet direct on 0800 211 222 where you get a free bet for opening an account and they pay out on the fifth place.

Finally, don’t be tempted to back Newcastle in a single to win on Sunday. The better value is to back them at 3/1 to win the Cup outright.

That way if they beat Chelsea in extra time or penalties (unlikely!! - ed) your bet is still running and, lets face it, if you think they’ll win the semi then they’ll surely beat Villa in the final.
 

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BITS AND PIECES

Tributes have continued to flood in following the sad passing of Sir Stanley Matthews. Kevin Keegan said he was a legend. George Best described him as sublime. And David Beckham said, “I loved his Turkey Drummers, they’re bootiful”.  (Graeme Proud)

What goes into 16 twice?   Kieron Dyer (Gary Foster)

Saint Peter was manning the Pearly Gates when forty mackems showed up. Never having seen anyone from Sunderland at heaven’s door, Saint Peter said he would have to check with God. After hearing the news, God instructed him to admit the ten most virtuous from the group. A few minutes later, Saint Peter returned to God breathless and said, “They’re gone.” "What? All of the mackems are gone?” asked God. No” replied Saint Peter “The Pearly Gates!”  (Paul Dodd)

The Mackems’ newest big-name signing, a Bosnian international, has just scored on his debut for the dub and immediately after the match phones his Mum.
Bosnian-mackem : Hello Mum.
Mum: Hello son, how was your debut?
B-M: Well it went brilliantly. I scored in the Stadium of Light and we only lost 3-1.
Mum: That’s wonderfuL But I’m afraid that things here at home aren’t so good.
B-M: Why, what’s happened?
Mum: Well, this morning our car was set ablaze by a masked mob. They then broke into our house with baseball bats and battered your brother. They shot your father in the kneecaps, so he can’t walk anymore, and then raped your sister before moving on to the dog.
B-M: That’s terrible....
Mum: I know. Why couldn’t you have left us in Bosnia instead of bringing us to Sunderland with you?

2 Knobs. 2 grand-bairns
It seems that Gary Lloyd’s reproductive skills have been passed down in the family genes and he and Lorna are now grandparents - twice over.
 

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The text messages were sent by:

I   Lorna Lloyd

2  Jason

3  Slap

4  Geoff Speight

5  Private Dick from Manchester

6  Alan Storey

7  Paul Dodd
 

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