Issue 14           August 2000
Featuring: Editor's drivel
Membership renewals, etc
Blue is the colour
Blaydon Races
Jason's regular grovel
Who's got marvellous melons?
Two Knobs exclusive
Curry Night awards
Tracey's engagement bash
Tad-Righteous Brothers


Another issue thrown together by the short-arsed one.



What's new?

Nothing much - another Microsoft wizard created issue - anodyne and lacking in flair. Well I'm sorry but yet again my temporary editorship has been extended because of Gary Foster's wedding and Laura's family holiday. But most relevantly we've not had much from anyone - so this issue relies heavily on re-cycled Web stuff. But thanks to Eric, Big Ish and Mystic for their contributions.

There is one close-to-the-bone article - thanks to Eric - which you may wish to read first before letting any younger members loose. It's nothing too serious but could involve you in an explanation of female anatomical slang. Don't worry too much though - JT has never heard of it and Tom has forgotten what it is.

This forthcoming editorial bit could end up anywhere as I haven't a clue what to go on about his time.
The start of the season is imminent and Paul McKenna's competition on the back page gives you a chance to record your hopes & expectations for the 1st half of the campaign. We'd hoped to include a random factor as we did last season when entrants were asked to guess the 3rd round FA cup opponents. This season Paul suggested the question should be 'how many first team matches will the Scottish Lummox play in before the turn of the year?' But there is a real risk it could be 'nil' because of the Club's virtually undisguised desperation to move him on to pastures new - hence the amended bonus question on the form.

He's a strange case (The Lummox, not Paul). He' a big, lean hard bloke who seems to be passionate about doing his own thing on his own terms. Some might say he has a chip on his shoulder - he rightly seems to despise the Scottish FA for hanging him out to dry over the assault charge. Likewise there's some suspicion that Rangers may too have thought that prison would sort him out. It didn't.

He comes across as a bit of a loner - but he was clearly one of the main men when we saw the team in their hotel before the Bradford match last season. They were all sat at the table after their meal - looking like they were in a scene from 'The Godfather'  - Starring   Shearer  as  'Don Corleone' and Rob Lee as 'Consileiri Tom Hagen'. Duncan should have been 'Luca Brasi' but was more like 'Sonny Corleone' if you know what I mean - plenty of attitude but not getting the big picture. He asked if we needed any tickets but it was from 'Don Alan's' tracksuit bottom pocket that the tickets emerged. Surprisingly Warren was at the end of the table - away from the main men - this could have indicated he was a bit of an outsider - like 'Carlo Rizzi' - or he was looking and learning like a future 'Don'  - 'Michael Corleone'. He's clearly got his own agenda has the man with the parting. He's well on his way to a FA full coaching badge and he'll always spin a line to the press on how much he loves the place. Is there a plot emerging?

I've digressed - and before getting back to the point - you need to know about one of the less switched-on squad members who lived-up to his reputation on the night we made the presentation to Barton. (Notice the change in name  - reflecting the fact that he's an ungrateful get for not even bothering to write and say thanks for his player of the year award.) Anyway with the award ceremony over we waited in reception. The players started to leave their private dining room to head off for an early night. Out they filed - in ones and twos. Harper and Given - hand-in-hand, the 3 main men altogether - as mentioned earlier. Then young Kieran on his own - (but very interestingly, in light of recent revelations, he did pay a lot of attention to the 3 girls  - all under 15 years old - who made the presentation.) Then came the foreigners - some of whom we didn't recognise. But one foreigner stole the show - Baldy came out of the dining room, turned right (everyone else went left and up the stairs), carried on past the reception area, went through the lobby and into the entrance porch. He was outside the hotel in the car-park before he realised he was - as usual - totally out of step with the rest of the squad - and on a different planet.

Back to the Scotsman - remember him for Everton when on a couple of occasions he was - according to Joe Royle - 'un-playable' against us. There have been times when he's been like that for us - in both senses. He should have been dragged off at Bradford and his two Wembley appearances for us were a disgrace. But we don't know the extent of his injuries.
It has been suggested that Everton used to pump him up with all sorts of pain-killers and he hardly trained from match to match. So when Sweaty Freddie - on the advice of his obviously out-of-touch new P R man - spouts off about how good he is at sorting out scams when it comes to foreigners and their dodgy passports - he forgets to re-call that he was clearly shafted by Everton. He failed to take account of how few games he played for them - season on season.

Sticking with Sweaty Fred, what planet is he on when he goes on about having the cup final at St. James' or old Trafford or even in outer Newcastle? Anyone with the slightest understanding of how difficult it can be to get final tickets knows that Cardiff wins because 75,000 people can get in and that’s what matters most. He should get back in his shell (or shell suit) and leave the talking to someone with some credibility.

Back to the Lummox - when was good was when he clearly despised the opposition. Man Ure at home, Chelsea at home, and most noticeably, Roma at home. He hated them and when the Italian defenders made the donkey gesture - captured in a later match programme - I thought he really was going to do them.

Now here's the biggest contradiction and example of my hypocrisy - when he gets nasty I love him. It's like being allied to the hardest lad in the class. It must be because I'm a soft short arse but he like everyone's ultimate big brother. Hard and rich. But then you think how come he's so rich and realise what an utter waste of money thirty grand a week is for hard man. He was a legend before he was a player.

Bring back Big Bad John McNamee.

Dave B

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This section normally sees a mention or two of the new members. There were a few in the close season - a couple from Spain - plus some late joiners at the end of last season who have yet to get a mention. But there's insufficient information on them so far to take the piss. All I know is that John Duthoit lives near Valencia, sounds French but he hails from Whitley Bay. Allister Ambler knows Wheeley and used to be involved with a property company in Headingley but now lives in Spain - probably awaiting extradition.

For the record Dave Greaves from York - the secretary of the Midland Supporters Club - has paid his subs as has another new face - Phil Scott - a milkman from Halifax. However one new soul - Brian Tilley - from Benton (I think) in the Toon, may have quite a few skeletons that will be well worth a shake. Canny lad.

The free membership offer that ran for the 2nd half of last season has finished and we’d really like all Pud recipients to pay their subs as soon as possible. We haven’t collected subs from many of you for nearly 18 months now – having decided to realign payment with the football season and not the calendar year.

If you were coerced into joining during the free months please consider conversion to paid-up membership. Rates for new and existing members remain a bargain £5 per year, or £6 for a family.

What do you get for your money?
· cheap travel
· tickets available for most games
· regular newsletter
· curry nights
· quality merchandise
· membership cards
· much praised web-site
· Christmas cards
· competitions
· fantastically entertaining meetings - courtesy of JT
· Mary’s ‘traditional’ buffets at the THT
· ..and much much more.

We also continue to support modestly the efforts of Burns Research Unit at Bradford University – set up after the Valley Parade fire tragedy.

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As we left Wembley, the PA system entertained us with a couple Chelsea anthems – ‘Blue is the Colour’ and ‘Chelsea, Chelsea’.  Apart from making me think what they would have played if we’d won, it reminded me of how un-passionate the Chelsea fans were. They must be getting used to success or are they Man Ure in disguise?

Anyway - all forgotten now - but what you should not forget is the post-match inspiration of one of our members.

On leaving the stadium he undertook a masterful bit of revenge on all of the cockney wide-boys and the rip off merchants that are part of the Wembley ‘experience’.

He didn’t chin anyone, he didn’t swear, he didn’t throw anything. All he did was walk behind all of the burger and chips vans and turn off their gas bottles. So if you got a raw burger and food poisoning it could be Eric’s fault. But thank him - it was inspired.

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Anyone who has a newish Nokia phone with either a composer feature or scope to import ring tones will - I'm sure - have been frustrated by the difficulty in setting up an appropriate ringing tone. Do you really want Walzing Matilda, Scotland The Brave, William Tell etc? No of course you don't. You need the abridged version of Blaydon Races - to impress everyone on the bus, to interrupt meetings, or irritate Mackems.

Sarah Bailey - with encouragement from her dad - has sorted it out. It has now passed the JT pedantry approval test and is ready for general release. But in the spirit of charity we want to charge a small fee for it - how about £1? - again with proceeds going to the Burns Unit at Bradford Uni. So give her a ring on 0794 6413834 and it'll be sent straight away - as long as you have a messaging facility. Or you can have it in writing or on e-mail to key in manually - it takes 5 mins.

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Hiya DaveI'm really sorry i havn't kept in touch you must think i'm a right ignorant yorkshire pudd.I've been working my arse off trying to get some extra pennies for my hols! (my other job is a part-time rent boy!!!!!!!)I had every intention of coming to the last meeting but due to working so hard i fell asleep.
I'm going on my jolly hols tomorrow for two weeks i was just wondering if you could arange a match ticket and travel for the Man.Utd game, I'd be must ablidged.I will definately be at the next meeting hopefully with the a great tan,I will be thinking of you all when I'm laid on the sunny beach of Benidorm.


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Another Great day out at Wembley with the only low point the 90 minutes on the pitch.  The pub before the match left more than just the monkey puzzled as to who let the stink bomb off in the bog.  QPR on the domino card led to Red Bulls and vodkas all round and there was an appearance by Fruity, brother of London’s ‘I’ve been to Harrods’ Shake A Leg.

The Toon gave us a little to shout about this time, and so we did. But coming out of the ground, the Durham ‘country’ (original spelling corrected - ed) members - consisting of Kirky, me and James - got detached. We landed at various destinations along the tube line, finishing up ‘alco popped’ at Kings Cross. This led to the highlight of the evening when ‘cards’ were collected from numerous phone boxes in the area.

Then the Turks, already in English football’s bad books, tried to finish off another batch of fans by selling ‘Pink’ kebabs, which remarkably produced bright green turds 24 hours later. (Note: Wheely Bin was totally unaffected by the scraps of the undercooked delicacy that he devoured after they were dropped or rejected by the Durham diners.)

Sid, father of Dave Bailey, and famous for his vicar antics at the Sheff Utd semi, asked, through his mouthful of pizza, ‘Has anyone got a pack of cards?’ Much to Sid’s surprise, out came a collection of calling cards from the previously mentioned Kings Cross phone boxes.

‘Snap’ commenced - just as the ‘Dolly with the Trolley’ went past with teas and coffees promising to return soon - with cans. By the time she got back she was the ‘Tart with the Cart’ and when she took the huff she was the ‘Puss with the Bus’.

The card games got more intense, with me and Kirky fighting over Marvellous Melons, Sid clinging on to Miss Minge and young James delighted to find Little man in a Boat. But as the train pulled into Leeds it was noticed that Marvellous Melons was missing. The Durham ‘country’ members blamed a Yorkshire branch member for the theft.

Gordon, actually a canny smart lad and not a moron as was suggested in the song at various points in the journey, is a key suspect.

Wheely Bin is another suspect but most of the things he stole from the Durham table ended up in his mouth.

Other suspects are the ‘Televised Barcelona Few’ sitting opposite, and the committee - JT, Tom and Dave Bailey - who posed as domino card sellers during the trip.

Reward offered  4 cans of NBA to the producer of Marvellous Melons at the next meeting in the THT.


[Editors note - Bilko cannot claim. He has already confirmed that he acquired his own personal copy of the card by also trawling the phone boxes on his way to the station.]

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Does anyone remember how difficult it was to get tickets for the F.A. Cup semi-final against Chelsea? How thousands of season ticket holders had their applications turned down and the much gnashing of teeth that resulted? Wouldn't you have thought that if you were lucky enough to have got one that you would treasure it and make sure that you got to the match? (unless you're Keith of course in which case you'd probably get it sent to a derelict netty on the outskirts of Leeds)

Well this is the story of Gary two knobs whose semi-final ticket was in the possession of Butch and Sam Dingle on that glorious sunny Sunday. Whilst the Tad twins made their way down from Leeds on the train the bi-phalliced wonder was travelling down on his own from Sheffield having arranged to meet them on Wembley Way at 1.00pm.

Having had a couple of gargles on the train two knobs decided that he'd go to the Monkey Puzzle boozer to meet a few mates from Jersey which resulted in much more relaxation therapy.

Meanwhile back on Wembley Way 1.00pm came and went, as did 2.00pm and 2.30pm with no sign of the over endowed one. Various phone calls were made to his house answered by his long suffering wife Lorna who was becoming increasingly frantic.

At 2.35pm the Tad duo announced, "**** him we're going to the match" and decided that they'd probably get a few bob for the ticket which would finance additional gauge on the return journey. Meanwhile Big Issue telephoned Lorna and told her that they'd given up on two knobs and were heading towards the stadium.

While Butch and Sam went in, Big Issue took two knob's ticket off them and decided to sit on the steps outside the stadium until the last minute in the hope that he might spot the paralytic imbecile in among the eighty thousand crowd (and presumably saw it as an ideal opportunity to peddle some magazines).

Miraculously, five minutes before kick off Big Ish spotted him in the crowd and handed over his ticket to him which two knobs seemed to think was only natural. Lucky or what?

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JT ‘s letter to The Kashmir (in Pud 13) obviously did the trick - we were welcomed back with open arms by Steady’s mates - but Keith still went in disguise.

Twenty regulars and a few new attendees - Bethany Wilson, Sarah Bailey, Pam Webster and Si Martin – came along for the curry. An earlier start meant the younger eaters could enjoy a restrained evening’s banter – or so we hoped - but the strategy of starting early still didn’t affect the chairman’s plans - he’d hit he Jack Daniels and diet Pepsi (why diet ?) - after an early session on Guinness - which started at 1pm.

Don’t ever book a children’s entertainer for birthday parties - just get JT on the above mixture and let him entertain you with his chappatti folding, juggling and throwing skills. If we ever set up a cricket team put Dave Bailey in the slips as one of catches of a flying chapatti was absolutely remarkable.

The absence of Messrs Hutchings meant that the Student contingent - Bin, Brendan and Paul K - were certainties for the biggest scoff. JT was seated beside Paul K, but his animated behaviour meant he hardly sat down - and so Paul again benefited from the totally untouched main course.

But Bin’s semi final train trip trawl for left overs was eclipsed by the sheer quantity of food that went down his neck at incredible speed. Twenty poppadums were demolished, all of the raita, the onions, lime pickle and other bits of veggy stuff went in seconds. He tried everything, finished off mixed kebabs, extra rice, bits of cold Naan, wholemeal chappatis - even the origami experiments perpetrated by the chairman ended up down the Bin’s gullet.

JT didn’t attempt a speech but passed the role of award-giver to Dave B, who came prepared with the annual ‘Puds’ - awards for  service to the club over the season. Old categories and some new ones were passed out.

Steady’s Skull – for numbness

This could have gone to Mike, Wheely, Big Ish or Gordano for their up-a-mountain antics in Switzerland - as reported in an earlier Pud (click here). Sheila made a valiant attempt at snatching the award from the usual recipient when complimenting Richard on his healthy appearance just as he was recovering from Addison's disease (see Pud 13 - you lose weight and you look tanned ) .

But yet again experience counted and the cream rose to the top - Steady’s efforts at getting kicked out of Valley Parade - twice (click here to read about it) - made him the clear winner. It's like watching Brazil - he gets to keep it in perpetuity.

Attention Seeker of the Year

Bernie Rafferty, by his sheer on-the-bus presence, grabs the attention of everyone around him. A bout of pneumonia and pleurisy put him in a strong position. But as mentioned earlier, this year’s hospitalised and near death winner was Richard Rogerson.

Joke of the Year

This didn’t get handed out this year because of the absence of the winner - Gaz Foster never showed.

He came up with two corkers this season - the Dyslexic skiers was canny - but we all desperately want to know where the fish shop with the scantily clad serving wench is.

Nickname of  the Year

Could have gone to Wheely Bin. Likewise Screaming Skull seemed perfect for describing Giles Cheetham’s on the field aggression in the match that morning. But it didn’t catch on as everyone seemed to enjoy the novelty of being able to call someone Giles.
This year's winner - with the perfect match of man, wardrobe, carrier bags and nickname - was Graham Helling and ‘Big Issue’.

Excuse for missing a match or "Where's Steady?"

This could quite easily have gone to Steady but he has stopped making up spurious excuses for missing trains, buses etc.

The missed match that mattered was only against Bradford Supporters Club. But after 'Leeds early hours student incident', Brendan’s innocence and respect for the forces of law and order (who released him but told not to leave his room all the following day in case they needed to interview him) meant that he complied unquestioningly and refused to leave his room - despite being called for to be picked up and taken to the match.

Student of the Year

The students have lowered the average age of the club. They are The Young Ones by name - and one of them - by nature. The Bin beats the lot - he’s like a 60s Marxist (Big Ish is 60s Marxist) - eats mango chutney and lime pickle by the bowl full with a spoon. He obviously went on demonstrations in support of the IRA hunger strikers - why else would he recreate the dirty protests of the mid-80s Maze prisoners and leave his Rome hotel bedroom covered in - and stinking of - puke, piss and shit. He did get some stick though - especially on the bus back from Derby when he was comatose. (There’s a lesson here Dave - don’t try to match the Tad lads Stella for Stella).

His mobile phone was sabotaged and all of his friends got a text message that used up every expletive imaginable. His new  designer cap - Hugo Boss, navy blue - ended up somewhere south of Sheffield on the M1. The perpetrator was identified and coughed up a tenner in lieu of the cap.

Big Issue has asked if Wheely can be stripped bollock naked next time he gets sauced, with all of his gear then going out of the window. Then, when Wheely seeks compensation, Big Issue can step-in, recover his debts and, at the same time, off-load some of his Bulgarian designer clothing to Bin. Sounds perfect - imagine Wheely in Big Issue's cast offs.

Improving Socks Life

Tom's socks followed Bins’ cap out of the window - but did he make fuss? No, he simply amused himself with the foul-mouthed text messages mentioned above. So he was the deserving recipient of socks for his good humour and for the bout of stress relief in Zurich. Nothing since though - by all accounts.

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Can you remember when Tracey mentioned in the Novocastria that she's no good on NBA as she ends up taking here clothes off ? Everyone instantly offered her a bottle. ( NBA - the new acronym for Brown mentioned earlier - courtesy of Eric - who should know what to call it as he makes it.)

Well at the July monthly meeting she announced she was having an engagement do at Leeds Railway Club and all were welcome. We had to go to find out what she did get up to.

There was plenty of NBA and Tom, Dave, JT  (The Committee) took along the pseudo Toon fan Andy Gray, representing our sponsors, and occasional bar man at the THT when Newcastle play Leeds. We met up with 'Jimmy One Eye' (his name for himself but it could stick for the next nickname of the year awards). The NBA flowed and the do was a perfect way to spend a Friday night in the middle of Leeds - apparently one of the country's best places for a night out. But right smack in the middle of this trendy city is the Railway Club - where the beer is cheap and the entertainment is … .. entertaining. Snooker, darts, Karaoke until late into the night - well 10.30 is last orders.

Needless to say the state of the party guests meant that there was train chaos the next morning - but how the bloke with the bad leg, dark glasses and white stick gets away with driving a train is beyond me - but that’s privatisation for you.

Tracey left the NBA alone so there were no outrageous antics from her. Her drinking mate and club Member Donna was working behind the bar so this may have curtailed them both. But her fiancé - sorry can't remember his name - was hammered and even tried to stop us getting in to the concert end when we arrived.

All that was missing was a break for bingo and it would have been the perfect evening. So if anyone one asks you about the Leeds bar scene and seeks your opinion on the likes of Po Na Na, Milo, Oslo, Revolution, Cuban Heels or Mint. Tell them that the best post modernist night out in Leeds is Toon Hall Tavern followed by the Railway Club. Drug free and cheap beer.

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If that Zinedine Zidane came to Tad for a few pints with me and I took him to Tozzie's new bar I'd say:

"Fine Zinedine, now take it easy on the Ayingerbrau because Sam's gauge is potent, and we'll enjoy a splendid evening."

But if Zinedine was to:
 - have four pints of Guiness in Bramhope with JT
 - then come to Tad
 - drink Sam's lager and pils
 - try to match me drink for drink
 - pick up a Chinese to eat at my Mum's house
 - crash out in bed
 - puke up all over my Mum's new pillow
 - puke up over the sheets
 - try to carry the puke-covered sheets to the bathroom
 - puke all over the bathroom and landing floor
 - use my Dad's towel and face-cloth to mop it up
 - puke over my dressing gown
 - run the bath and drop in the puke-ridden sheets
 - wake up everyone in the house

I'd say:


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