|Featuring:||Editor's jingoistic drivel|
|New members round up|
|Yorkshiremag phrase book|
Thought: If JT was
a Red Indian would he be called "Riding Two Birds"?
I suppose it’s alI my own fault really. If I hadn’t attempted to drink the Big Smoke dry of Strongbow on semi-final day. If I hadn’t blagged my way into 1st class on the way back to Leeds. If I hadn’t bumped into Dave, then given him a hard time about how the Spring edition of The Pud was. If I hadn’t boasted drunkenly that I defecate more informative and amusing prose on a morning, then I wouldn’t be sat here in my dinner hour trying desperately to find things to say. Oh well.
Whilst searching the web for bits and bobs of stuff to put in this issue, I managed to create a bit of mischief.
I obtained the e-mail addresses of the editorial staff of Mackem fanzine / web page “Ready To Go” and signed the guest book (in their names) on another little site called “Chimpworld”. "No big deal" I hear you say. But the RTG editorial staff will think it’s a big deal when they are each e-mailed a photograph of a different baby chimpanzee in kids clothing every week.
There’s another thing I noticed while surfing, and it’s that Newcastle fans are, by and large, detested by every other football fan in the country.
I’m not talking about the usual repetitive cack that the Mackems and Smoggies keep churning up. I’m talking about everyone’s second team Manchester United. They refer to us on their pages as “Barcoded Maggots” which, I think, is a reference to our black n’ white stripes. Dunno where they get the maggots from, unless they’ve seen our new secretary Tom naked.
Wimbledon (what have we ever done to them to deserve this?) we always let them beat us at their toilet of a ground and in return we usually give them a good towsing at SJP. Nowt wrong with that. We share the 6 points, but they have a right go at us on one of their websites. They write;
“Oh yes the Geordies are great fans. Who else would turn up to watch their team train every day in their hundreds? Who indeed? But don’t you think they’re a little too loyal? Have they no jobs or social life? Everytime Newcastle get a new manager or centre-forward they all manage to congregate at St James Park. They’ll all be wearing suitable wigs and many will already have tattoos. The tattoo addicts are the best. Everytime they sell one of their heroes you can bet that one of them will just have spent hundreds of pounds on a huge tattoo of said hero. What did they all do with their Andy Cole skin pics? The others, the ones who have sex lives, are bound to have named their children after said hero. How many dejected Les’s and Andy’s are being bullied by Alan’s in Newcastle schools today? Finally, why do they insist on queuing up at midnight to buy the new shirts every six months and then moan that the club are ripping them off? They rip you off because you’re mugs!”
Harsh, but there’s a lot of truth in there but it’s mainly because we are so loyal and no-one else in the country can understand why. Having said that, the first point I’d like to correct is that our recently re-elected Chairman is a home and away fan whom also has a sex life, two in fact, so that’s that bit down the swanny. And secondly, although I have just recently married and I’m a committed Toon fan I have absolutely no plans to call any resulting offspring Nolberto or Nikolaos and if I called the child Shola he/she would sound like a chuffin’ porn star. Hmmmm!
There are plenty more digs at us on the internet, but I’m running out of space and my blood is starting to boil. The best places to find these jibes is in the match reports sections of fanzine pages.
So read them, get riled and sing and shout your heart out at the next game (no scrapping though! That’s not what I’m getting at) because no matter who they are, you can guarantee that they hate us for some reason or other. In 90% of the cases I reckon it’s down to jealousy. Simple as that.
A Sikh mate of mine at work was looking over my shoulder as I compiled this edition of The Pud. He asked me what I was doing working through my dinner hour and I explained that I was attempting to put together a newsletter for the Yorkshire Branch of The Newcastle United Supporters Club.
“What’s it called then, this newsletter?” he asked. “The Pud” I replied and he started pi**ing himself laughing.
I thought to myself “the name’s not that bad” and asked him what was up with the title. He explained that it wasn’t the crapness of the title, but it’s translation into Punjabi. So I asked him what ‘Pud’ meant in Punjabi and he started creasing up again before calming down and informing me that it was spelt PHUD (with the ‘H’ being silent) and it meant “Fanny”.
So, if any readers out there
would like to contribute to the next issue, send it to me (firstname.lastname@example.org)
and I’ll see if I can slip it in to October’s Fanny. Cheers.
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No muck to sling as yet. Details to follow.
Joined up at the last meeting. Dominic comes from Cookridge.
Also joined up at the last meeting. Darren came within a whisker of filling the temporarily vacant treasurers post, until the assembled mob all agreed that he just looked too shifty and couldn’t be trusted as he was a new face. Darren hails from Sowerby Bridge.
Dave Selby, Emma Selby and Mark Bagnall, joined up with a family membership from Ossett.
There’s also the O’Connor family from Burley in Wharefedale. They include: Kevin, Kim, Francesca, Christopher, Alexandra & Georgina. That’s an extra 5 names on the books for just an additional £1!
100%er from Basildon, Essex and not the renowned film critic.
Hails from York. Already a pretender to the throne of Steady due to his well-documented inability to catch the return transport from matches.
Tadcaster's number one painter and decorator, who needs a ladder to do the skirting boards and buys his overalls from Adams.
Tad‘s Landlord of Landlords - the man responsible for weaning the Dingles onto Sam’s Ayingerbrau.
From Methley. Escapades and numbness are expected.
Brian Millar plus Joe, Carol and Sally. All from llkley.
Brian, Kirsty and Lauren (Youngest ever recruit? - "Can I put my first daughter down for membership. She’ll be born in five weeks time. I want her down as a Mag before wor lass gets any fancy ideas about her being a Barnsley supporter.") McGaun. All from Leeds 8.
Darren Thompson (Danny Cordone look-a-like) and Hera (yes Hera not Vera) Skidmore from Burley.
From Lincoln but shortly due back in Bradford.
Si Hudson, RAF technician from Nottingham.
Phillip & Suzanne Scott incorporating Kieren & Eliot D’Arcy.
Polish immigrant now living in Tadcaster. Therefore he is a ‘Tad-pole’. Only joking. He doesn’t exist so don’t expect subs from him.
Last but not least, Keith
Hanning from near Stainland (sounds like The Bin’s bed linen) in Halifax.
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YORKSHIREMAG PHRASE BOOK
Here it is. A handy cut-out-and-keep, specially adapted Yorkshiremags phrasebook. Cut it out and follow Uncle Bob into Europe next season. Now that’s confidence for you!
KEY:- 1 = Yorkshiremag, 2 = Spanish, 3 = Italian, 4 = German
Could you please direct
me to the nearest Chemist? I’ve been stung in the eye by a wasp.
•Usted por favor podrIa dirigirme al Quimico más cercano? yo me he picado en el ojo por una avispa.
•Potrebbe dirigermi per favore al Chimico piu vicino? io sono stata stung nell’occhio da una vespa.
•Könnten Sie mich bitte zum nächsten Chemiker schicken? Ich bin im Auge von einer Wespe gestochen worden.
Canny lad! Canny F#cka!
•El muchacho sagaz! el f*c#er Sagaz!
•Giovanotto cauto! F*c#er Cauto!
•Umsichtiger Bursche! Umsichtiger f*c#er!
Shiz left iz yer knaa!
•El!a me ha dejado que usted sabe!
•Lei mi ha lasciato Lei sa!
•Sie hat mich verlassen, Sie wissen!
I’m not a street vendor.
I’m a football fan!
•Ye no soy un vendedor callejero. yo soy un entusiasta del futbol!
•lo non sono un venditore stradale. io sono un ventilatore di football!
•Ich bin kein Strasse-Verkäufer. ich bin em Footballfächer!
Two bottles of Dog mate.
•Dos botellas de compañero del Perro.
•Due bottiglie di coniuge di Cane.
•Zwei F!aschen Hundkumpel.
I may be fifty but I can
still manage three-in-a-bed sex.
•Yo puedo tener cincuenta años, pero yo todavia puedo manejar tres en un sexo de Ia cama.
•Io posso essere cinquanta, ma io ancora posso maneggiare tre in un sesso di letto.
•lch bin viel!eicht funfzig, aber ich kann drei noch in einem Bettgeschlechtleiten.
I’m sorry but I’ve vomited
on your bed linen. I’ll willingly pay the dry cleaning bill upon production
of the receipt.
•Yo lo siento pero yo he vomitado en su lino de Ia cama. yo pagare Ia factura de limpieza seca de buena gana en Ia produccion del recibo.
•lo sono spiacente ma io ho vomitato sul suo lino di letto. lo paghero volentieri il pulizie asciutto conto su produzione della ricevuta. •Es tut mir leid, aber ich habe mich auf ihrem Bettleinen ubergeben. Ich werde die trockenreinigende Rechnung bereitwillig auf Produktion des Empfanges zahlen.
Please don’t chin me again
•Por favor no haga Ia barbilla de nuevo yo funcionario.
•Per favore non faccia di nuovo mento io ufficiale.
•Bitte machen Sie kein Kinn wieder ich Offizier.
The Tyne, the Tyne, the
mucky, old Tyne...
•El Tyne, el Tyne, el Tyne viejo sucio...
•II Tyne, iI Tyne, il vecchio Tyne sporco...
•Der Tyne, der Tyne, der matschige alte Tyne...
Keith, could we have a
p*** stop please?
•Keith, nosotros podriamos tener una parada de meada agradar?
•Keith, potremmo avere per favore una fermata di piscia?
•Keith, könnten wir haben in pissen Sie, halten Sie, gefallen Sie?
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Why not enter the Pud’s super new least-likely quote competition?
The rules are easy. Next time you’re on the train or the mini-bus with the usual suspects choose one of them and come up with the thing that you think that they are least likely to say.
Entries already received include:
“Not for me thank you. I’ve drunk quite enough Brown Ale for one night.” - JT
“I’ve got nothing against Greater Manchester Police. Anyone can make a mistake.” - Big Issue
“I’m sorry, I’m looking for a meaningful relationship. I’m just not interested in one night stands.” - JT
‘Wheely, you’re always welcome at our house.” - Gordano
“Does anyone on the bus want to borrow my bottle opener?” - Keith
“I say old chap, could you please stop singing those obscene songs?“ - Bernie
“Sex is vastly overrated.” - Tom
“Fancy a lift Phil?“ Hamish
“Do I owe anyone money? I’d like to settle my debts.” - Steady/Wheely
“A return ticket please.”
- (Non-homing) Pidgeon
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The season’s hardly started but already it’s proving difficult to keep up with the sheer numbness of some of the regular match goers. Rather than let their efforts at staking a claim for Steady’s crown fade from the memory here are the early contenders for this season’s Steady’s Skull. So far we’ve had:
• Wheely Bin honking up all over chez Dingle in Tad.
• Darren Thompson’s effort at writing a cheque for his membership that proved to be beyond him as he dated it with his date of birth (1970)
• Gordon (‘Our Sam’) who got on the wrong train at York for the trip up for the Spurs game and then rang Dave B to tell him what he’d done! He then thanked Dave B for suggesting that he should jump off at Darlo and join the following train with the rest of the group -‘Cheers Dave, I’d never thought of that.’
• Anthony missed the train back after the Spurs game (and that was only the start!) - but then Gordon rang Dave to squeal on Anthony in an attempt to deflect attention from his earlier numbness on the way up.
• But what will take some
beating is Wheely’s ‘Dear Edna’ letter. He had the sense - eventually
- to send an apology and a gift for the chaos he caused and for soiling
the sheets, carpets, bathroom floor, dressing gown, towels and pillows.
But in the same letter he undid all of his good work by offering to provide
the money for the pillows - ‘as soon as you provide me with the receipt’.
Magnificent! - beat that.
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If ever there was someone with an inappropriate name it has to be new member Anthony Pigeon. On is first ever trip with the Yorkshire Mags he managed to miss the train back. And then a few days later he did even better at Coventry. This is how his escapade that night was reported on the web-site:
What should we have done when the new lad - with a name that should mean he always finds his way home - got himself lost in the motorway service station on the way to the match? We should have been a bit worried - and tied a noose around his neck.
After the game he ended up miles away from the pick-up point - at the train station - having walked in the opposite direction. He missed the bus back and took some serious stick in his absence - especially as his no-show delayed the return journey from Coventry by the best part of an hour.
He got a mention below for the missed Spurs train - but disappearing twice in a row could see him press Bin and Steady by the end of the season. A remarkable start to his Yorkshiremags career.
And then he missed the train again after the Chelsea match. But then - Southampton away - at the fourth time of asking he finally broke his duck. Here's the web-site write-up of this astonishing achievement....
The only bit of good news from todays match at Southampton is that Anthony managed to get on the bus after the match. It was close though - after a few frantic phone calls he got the message that the bus pick-up point had changed. Gordon, Wheely, JT and Ant managed to get seats on the free Carling bus from the toon - they were picked up at Selby Fork services at 06.45 this morning. They met up with various nation-wide Yorkshiremags including Jock McKnob and his daughter Rachel - who managed to get to the Dell after an arduous journey from...... Southampton! Dennis got there from Kent and Phil and Alex Hussey made it from Taunton. It was Phil who tipped us off about the free Carling bus deal early on Wednesday. Canny lad.
JT had some company as
Richard Livermore and John Ludlam from Monmouthshire got there too - and
they reminisced about the Battle of Britain in the beer garden of The Winston
- where they saw Gordon supping his cans of Fosters Export that he’d brought
with him. Brown Dog at £2.45 saw JT quickly skint - despite the bus
trip being free. So Gordon didn’t spend much and - now that he’s got young
Ant under his wing - he too took some cans (3.1 % Heineken by all accounts).
So the missed return trips should soon become a distant memory. Anthony’s
apprenticeship saw him stay at Tadcaster last night - where he had the
good sense to go easy on the Sam’s lager. So no Bin-like antics from Ant
who is now the favoured visitor of Zack and Edna.
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It's been suggested that for either the Mackem dwarf's leaving do or the annual Xmas bash, members unfortunate enough to have been given a look-a-like should turn up for the evening dressed as their alias. Whether or not we manage to gain access to the boozers in Bradford dressed as the following remains to be seen!
A dog collar, and cloak for JT, the only hard bit’ll be calming down on his drinking and cussing. JT is Father Jack Hackett (from Father Ted).
For Dave Bailey a smart, white tux from Mothercare, a seaplane and a handful of sunbed sessions if he is to attend as Tattoo (from Fantasy Island).
A little different for Malcolm, the same as above but purchased from a proper adults clothing outlet. He is Mr Roarke (also from Fantasy Island).
Hamish could share the cost of Dave’s sunbed sessions and obtain an Armani suit. He is a slightly less camp Dale Winton.
For Martin Bare a fetching yellow jumpsuit (pockets bulging with £50 notes) sponsored by Benson & Hedges. Martin is Eddie Jordan.
An easy one for Wheelie Bin, blag a French football shirt and he is a vomiting version of World Footballer of the Year - Zinedine Zidane.
Slightly more difficult for Geoff Speight. He must hire authentic 1950’s American Army khakis to be Phil ‘Sergeant Bilko’ Silvers.
For Gaz Foster it’s a week of rolling in pig sh*t, a lumberjack shirt, Martin Bare’s gardening jeans and a slack jaw. He is everyone’s favourite inbred, Sam Dingle from Emmerdale.
Tom will have to borrow (assuming he hasn’t already got one) a knitted tank-top, green slacks, a pair of tartan slippers, a dopey looking dog and start knocking about with a bulldog, a sheep and a penguin if he is to show up as plasticine hero Wallace (from Wallace & Gromit)
By far, the most difficult
costume to cop for, will be Graham Helling’s. A smart gold tiara, velvet
waistcoat, a magical flying cloud and a bargepole. Graham Helling is Monkey
from 70’s martial arts series Monkey Magic.
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|I found this poster advertising
an alternative kiddies Xmas panto on the web.
I don’t know how true the statement is or whether he ate her in a cannibalistic sense or in a sexual way.
Either way, if it was my sister, I’d be really pi**ed off. But I haven’t got a sister, so I’m not.
And anyway, I suppose it's better than him eating everyone’s left-overs.
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So, here he is. Our new diminutive
forward, all 4’ 8” of him. Our new £2.25m signing from Colchester
United, Lomano Tresor Lua Lua.
|The first time
I heard his name I thought of Dipsy, Tinky-Winky and P0, but the first
time that I set eyes on the little fella, I thought of Gary ‘Wotchootalkinbout
Willis” Coleman of 80’s late afternoon tripe Diff’rent Strokes.
Upon further inspection on the Coluweb Fan Site, I discovered even more startling similarities.
Lua Lua wore the number 9 shirt for the “U’s” (what do you think the chances are of him getting the No. 9 shirt off Aunty Alan’s back?) whereas, in D.S. Mr Coleman played... wait for it. ...a 9 year old!
So the question is - are these two people actually one and the same?
Anyway, let’s hope that the new lad adapts quickly and has a great career at Newcastle, not just for him, but for us lot an’ all.
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This is an e-mail received from Jock McNob-aka-AIan MacLean-aka-Newforestbud (St Mirren are known as the Buddies).
Having handed JT my six quid at the Winston on Saturday (pre-debacle) for renewal of my family membership here is some background on the MacLean household.
Firstly my other half Anne is long suffering due to my continued addiction to St. Mirren - apparently incurable, untreatable and probably unreasonable - and my annual hosting of the Toon Army as they attend the Dell for the annual mass disappointment masterclass. This year's travel problems avoided us attempting a ‘Benali Biriani’ at the Indian and reduced brain cell damage.
Next - no.1 daughter Rachel who attended her first ever match at the Dell on Saturday and despite the result loved the experience especially the liberal use of expletives and the rendition of “You’ve got the worst ground in the land” (to the tune of The whole world in his hands) which she has found useful as a response to the triumphalist taunts of the local inbreds since Saturday. Rachel must be the only person who believes that JT is a real TV personality - she is only 7 after all.
Finally no.2 daughter, Lorna could possibly now rank as the youngest mag member given that she will celebrate her first birthday on the 15th of next month. So far, her dribbling is coming on and the ball control is comparable to Kevin Gallacher - pretty poor.
Looking on the bright
side, by next year we’ll be watching the Toon at the new Dell, maybe that’ll
change things -maybe not.
It could be worse I support St. Mirren as well.
Keep up the good work
with the site, extract my six quid from JT’s grasp.
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