Issue 17           N*v$mb#r 2000
Featuring: Editor's drivel (PG)
Dear Edna (12)
Sado-mackem-ists (PG)
TV listings (15)
Can you hear the Geordies ring? (12)
Letter to SAFC SA (PG)
Let's all laugh at Sunlin' part II (18)
Arran 'TyneMooth' Mallinson (X)
Competition time (12)

50% extra swear words free in this issue!!



Would p*rents ple@se note th*t this newslett&r contains b*d language which m*y be deemed uns-itable to min*rs and M*ckems alike. Th*nk you.

Welcome to the “new-look” Pud. Too adult for minors but still full of the same old childish tat.

I’ve had me warnings about the ‘language’ content of the newsletter, and as Tynemooth would say “Faireenuff!” But the truth is, I haven’t really cleaned the contents up. I’ve just stuck an 18 certificate on the bugger.

Anyway, this issue has been rush-released so that we can all have a laugh about the Mackems (and Bailey) on the way to the game. Trouble is, with me rushing ahead, I’ve not got the usual amount of material.

I’ve considered running a spread about our “almost” famous members. You know, like Michael Hutchings out of INXS, Paul McKenna the TV (that’s TV as in telly-not transvestite) hypnotist and David Bailey the Royal photographer nonce. But no. I couldn’t muster anything up.

So there’s the usual pee-taking out of JT and Dave. Little Arran has now got a regular monthly column due to the response to his contribution in Pud 16. But the other problem I have is that Arran’s column is the reason that I’ve had to put a warning note on the front page.

No matter how many times I ask him politely to” tone the lingo” down he just replies “**** off Foster! It’s my column that people read it for, not your   ******* editorial pile of ****!“ So there you go. What can I do?

Do I sack Arran and lose all popularity and credibility I might have once had or do I carry on letting him launch his monthly foul mouthed tirade against all and sundry in these very pages?........... See page 7.

Below are 10 facts you may or may not know about our unwashed, peg-selling rivals from up the A19. All are 100% genuine - streyts!

  • to qualify as an official member of the SAFC Supporters Club your eyes have to be no less than 14” apart but no more than 18” apart
  • 9 out of 10 Mackems surveyed admitted that they had ginger, hairy backs; surprisingly this also included female members of the Club
  • when the Consulting Engineers were approached by SAFC to design the new Stadium of Plight all previous British Standards loading criteria for stadia went out of the window as research showed that the average weight of a typical male Sunderland fan is a gargantuan 28 stone; the woman’s average weight is just below that at a demure 23 stone
  • out of 10,000 season ticket holders surveyed at the SOP an amazing 8,397 fans stated that the thing they looked forward to most about matchday was visiting the burger van
  • 19% of M*ckems admitted to wiping their backsides with their left hand, whilst 13% admitted to using their right; the other 68% said that they “didn’t bother”
  • when asked, 85% of Sunderland fans stated their home address, until 2 years ago, as being “under a shady, damp rock in Pennywell / Washington / Hylton Castle”
  • Superdrug in The Galleries shopping precinct in Washington is the only place in the world that sells Lynx ‘Tuna brine’ deodorant; “We sell 5,000 cans a day” said the store manageress “mainly to the women folk of Wearside”
  • besides the Mackems, there is only one other uncivilised tribe on the planet that worships a Monkey Deity; they are the Mucsmeckam tribe in Papua New Guinea
  • an anagram of “Stadium Of Light” is Sh*t Mad Foul Git”
  • the reason that Sunderland fans become irate when keys are jangled in their general direction is that they all think keys are the “devils work”; the people of Wearside prefer to use a good old fashioned crow bar to gain entry through a troublesome door; therefore Newcastle fans are urged not to jangle their keys at the Sunderland fans in the Leazes corner on Saturday afternoon



    Statistics courtesy of Which? Mackem magazine.


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    No this isn't the first in a series of Agony Aunt columns, it's an actual copy of the letter that Wheelie sent to Edna (Gordano’s Mam) after he destroyed their home with puke and worse after a now in famous night out round Tad. Enjoy.

    Dear Edna,

    I thought I would write a quick letter to apologise for last weekend. Sorry it was a bit later (sic) but I got my wires crossed when Gordon spoke to me on Sunday. When I rang up I was a bit upset when John put the phone down although I could see that he was just as angry as you were.

    I have always got on well with you and John and you have always made me feel very welcome in Tadcaster by giving me somewhere to stay and food on the table. I know this will not be the same now but I hope we can still be on speaking terms. I will provide the money for the pillows as soon as you provide the receipt. I feel very embarrassed about the whole situation.

    Again please accept my apologies and as a token of my appreciation for your kindness that you always show me please accept the gift with this letter.

    Yours sincerely

    Dave Wheeler

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    This is a communication between myself and the webmaster at the site. I went to their site, noticed a link for a job application, filled in the e-mail as below and sent it off. I was expecting an inbox full of insults and stuff when I got back into work on Monday. How wrong I was!  The soft Mackem get has only gone and offered me the job! I am, however, considering their offer. It is strictly voluntary, but come on! The Mackems want yours truly to write a monthly page slagging them off. How hard can that be?
    Sent: Friday, November 10, 2000 12:21 PM I would like to write articles for your website.

    I am a Newcastle United Season Ticket Holder, originally from Gateshead but have now relocated to West Yorkshire.

    Please find enclosed my CV

    I hate Mackem baskets
    Kevin Phillips is a puff
    Niall Quinn is a streak of Irish pi~
    Your Stadium is sh*te
    You all stink


    Sent: Sunday, November11, 2000 1:45 PM

    We here at SAFC UK would be delighted if you wrote a weekly article for us.

    For all you were no doubt taking the p~ss we feel that you are just what we need to provoke the Sunderland fans and better yet to keep them returning to the site.

    Gregg (


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    ITV (Yorkshire)
    Channel 4
    7:00 The Keith Harris &
    Laurville Show
    Fun for all the family with the
    shortar*ed, boss-eyed,
    M*ckem ventriloquist tart.

    7:30 FILM * * *
    The Wrong Trousers:
    In their first adventure on film, Wallace (Tom Harbord) and his sophisticated dog Gromit (Jude) are trying to decide where to go for their annual picnic holiday. In terms of appetite, NBA is their favourite - it doesn’t take long to make up their minds.

    Wallace’s penchant for inventing and Gromit’s hard work mean they’re soon blasting off in a home-made rocket and heading for the Toon, hoping to find it made of NBA. But their Toon tasting expedition arouses the anger of the Toon’s resident mechanical landlord. In the conflict that ensues the earthlings unwittingly help the tin guardian to fulfil its dreams!

    7:00 Bilko
    More military shenanigans from Bilko (Geoff Speight) and his haphazard troops in this classic 50’s comedy. (R)

    7:30 News & Weather

    7:40 Inch High Private Eye Cartoon capers featuring Arran Mallinson

    8:00 Ready Steady Puke
    Cooking and puking
    against the clock.
    Hosted by Dave "Wheelie
    Bin” Wheeler.

    8:30 Feng Shui Forum
    Keith Barclay positions a plastic, see-through toad at ordnance grid reference 15336N / 63158E on his window sill then sits back and waits for positive chi. Will he be eternally happy....wiIl he win the lottery....will he b*II*cks! (R)

    10:30 FILM * *
    Far From The Madding Crowd
    Sue drags JT away from his rowdy cohorts on the 10:17 train to Newcastle much to the annoyance of his companions.

    12:00 Close
    7:00 Emmerdale
    A personal trauma for Sam Dingle (Gay Foster) as he goes on a night out with a pal but ends up almost causing a fight with a posse of black lads before falling asleep on a bus and finally following through in his ‘lucky-matchday-pants’ and has to dump them in a churchyard. What will he do? Will he survive the 4 mile walk home with his pants full of silage? Will his lass believe he hasn’t been bummed?
    7:30 Coronation Street

    All hell breaks loose on the street when pegleg Don Brennan (John Thompson)
    discovers that cuddly Rovers barman Fred Gee (Bernie Rafferty) has been hanging out the back of his bird Ivy Tils!ey (Sue Boiler) behind his back.

    Contains bad language and loadsa sh*gging.

    Ed’s Choice. Don’t miss it!
     * * * *


    7:15 Monkey
    Cult Martial Arts Classic. This episode sees our hero Monkey (Graham Helling) fall asleep on a train and misplace his phone. (R)

    7:45 Countdown
    Letters and numbers game
    that John Thompson from Leeds, (married with 1 daughter, whose hobbies include the internet) done absolutely sh*te on, in front of millions of viewers, also managing to get a good stuffing by a cockney wide-boy in the process. Featuring that Vorderman tart and that fat, specky-four-eyed, smug, Tory-get Richard Whiteley.
    8:15 When Animals Attack
    Tom Harbord of Pudsey recounts his terrifying ordeal of surviving a wasp attack on his eye.
    “It swelled up like a sheeps f*nny man! I looked like John Merrick y’knaa!” he recalls.


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    Sent: Sunday, September 17, 2000 1:14 PM 
    How do mate - please send Blaydon Races ringtone - the donation is in the post. Cheer 
    Gippa from the Toon 
    ps - is Dave Stead still alive? 

    Steady is still around - illusive and in debt - but nothing changes. 
    He has a season ticket in the Leazes/East Stand corner. 

    Sent: Tuesday, November 07, 2000 1:35 AM
    Subject: Keighley Mags 
    Howz it ganin?
    This is Kev James in New Jersey (originally Hazlerigg Village) I got your e-mail from has anyone come across the lads from Keighley Terry Tony and Kirtley from era 1982 -1988 until I left for Canada and USA. We first met in Leeds during a big brawl in the town centre thinking they were Leeds until Terry showed his "I HATE LEEDS" tattoo
    Cheers Kev

    Sent: Wednesday, November 08, 2000 10:58 PM 
    Subject: Re: Keighley Mags 
    Nice one Kev - alreet ? 
    Terry Tate still shows his 'lived in' face from time to time at the Town Hall Tavern - generally when he's after big match tickets. Paul Milligan as well - he gets about with Terry. 
    I suspect that Terry doesn't know how to switch a computer on but I bet he know where he can get you one - cheap. So I don't have an email address to pass on. 
    I'll copy your email into our Pud newsetter so that way he get to see you are asking after him - so to speak. 

    Sent: Friday, November 10, 2000 3:03 AM 
    Subject: Re: Keighley Mags 
    Cheers Dave
    I still keep in touch with Paul Lamb from Jarrow (Lambsy) so he keeps me up to date with the toon. He runs with Dyson Westy Tess Mann Harry the bastard Genelle Ian (the Gremlin) and sounds like they are looking forward to the mackem match after having fun and games down at Man City the other week. I get highlights of all the premier games on Sundays here in New Jersey - I found an old photo of Terry Tate from Keighley at Steve Office's engagement party back in 1984 in the old "NME " days
    Cheers Kev

    Sent: Wednesday, October 11, 2000 8:20 PM 
    Subject: Re: Blaydon Races 
    Thanks very much for the ringing tone..received loud and clear in a matter of a few mins after I sent my e-mail a little while ago. I'll send off cheque tomorrow ..then sicken as many Makems as I can in the office as often as I can ! 

    Sent: Thursday, October 12, 2000 9:43 PM 
    Subject: Blayden Races 
    I have the Nokia 5110 whilst the wife has the Nokia 3210 telephone. We are based in Bahrain and watch as many games on the box as possible. Young Bobby Robson seems to be sorting the team out after the disastrous periods of Daglish and Gullit. We can only hope for better time ahead. The sound of the Blayden Races sounding across Bahrain will be music to our ears. I can send cheque but will need the address. 
    Thanks and regards 

    Sent: Sunday, October 15, 2000 8:42 PM 
    Subject: Re: Re Blaydon Races 
    I've got it, brilliant that should piss off the mackems at work tomorrow cheers. Obviously don't bother with the email now. All the best with the fundraising. 


    Sent: Tuesday, October 17, 2000 5:57 AM 
    Subject: soccer 
    I'm a football fan living in australia. 
    I am hoping to get somew autographs from my favourite teasm if you could help brilliant. 
    48 Gipps Street 
    New South Wales 2041 

    Sent: Wednesday, October 18, 2000 8:03 AM 
    Subject: Re: soccer 
    Sorry mate but at my age I lack the inclination to chase kids - half my age who are on 10 times my salary - for their autographs. 
    They should be asking for mine for watching them week in week out ! 
    All the best anyway. Are you a Newcastle fan ? 

    Sent: Tuesday, October 17, 2000 11:27 PM 
    Subject: Re: soccer 
    Your right. 
    I'm stopping doing it. 
    Thanks for the blast of reality 

    Sent: Friday, November 03, 2000 11:53 AM
    Hi Martin Stephenson here, need that tune
    Mobile no is 07799 777531
    Many thanks
    Howay the lads!!

    Reply: Nice one - tone has been sent assuming you've got a decent Nokia - so we need your money.
    The address for sending donations is on the Merchandise page of 
    Please make cheques payable to the Burns Research Unit - or send cash if you trust us !.
    We support the Plastic Surgery and Burns Research Unit at the University of Bradford - set up after the Valley Parade fire in 1985. We hoped our fundraising would get a boost from our Chairman's appearance on Countdown but as he only got one cannylass on air we're having to revert to plan B.
    We will acknowledge your donation on the web site. 
    Cheers and get back to me if there are any problems. 
    I assume you are going to do some Makem bating - but what the hell are you doing working for that religious crackpot Reg 'Ayatollah / Maggie Thatcher' Jnr & Makem sponsor ?? Get me his mobile and I'll send him Blaydon Races as a ring tone (disguised as some red and white song) that'll piss him off at SOS. but now that you've got it you'll be in the frame for the sack. Nice thought though ?? 


    Sent: Monday, November 06, 2000 10:58 AM
    Subject: Re: Hi Martin Stephenson here, need that tune 
    Cheers Dave
    Thought I would let you know Mr Vardy secretly prefers watching Newcastle play, they even had a box at St James but they had to stop doing that when they sponsored the mackems. 
    Will send the dosh ASAP.
    PS Can't give u his mobile no. or else I would have a problem paying the mortgage

    Sent: Thursday, November 09, 2000 12:28 AM 
    Subject: Re: Hi Martin Stephenson here, need that tune 
    Nice one Martin 
    Hope the tone has amused the mackems - any chance of Mr Vardy sponsoring us since he's obviously such a top man (after all my pre-conceived bigotry). He can have an advert on our web site - dead cheap !. 


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    S.A.F.C.S.A. London
    61 Carlington Road
    South Tottenham
    N15 3EJ
      Mr G. Fauster
    15a Baker Lane
    West Yorkshire
    WF3 4DZ


    Dear Lady:
    I am being eine newcomer to the country of England after I am been moved from Dusseldorf, a town that is in Deutschland.
    I am moved to the beautiful city that is Wakefield only 6 of the weeks ago. Mein great Grandparents did grow up in the province of Newcastle and they were being the followers of Newcastle United as are mein parents being.
    Goran is wanting to be different and is wanting to support the ways of the sunderland team unt I am being very grateful if you could be helping me to be understanding some things so that I may too become eine large fan of the sunderland;
    Why is the team of sunderland now being called ‘The Cat’s that are schwarz’ when they are competing in the shirts that are being in red and white?
    Why are the fans of the sunderland team not being friendly with the fans of the Newcastle United team? Is it the jealousy thing because Herr Robson is having the lots of money unt eine very beautiful stadium? People should not be making the jealousy about things that are little like the football!
    Mein Grandparents when I was being eine boy that is small did call the supporters unt players of the sunderland team “Mackem Baskets”? Is this also another nickname that is old similar like the “Cats that are schwarz”?
    Why is it being that Thomas Helmer who was being eine player that is better than most was made to leave the sunderland team?
    Who are you thinking is being the player that is best at the sunderland team? Goran’s favourite is being the Honduras man Milton Nunez. He is super player for Honduras!
    While I was been living in the Deutschland, I am being lucky to view the comedy programme “Premier Passions” on the station that is RTL. The little man mit the ears that are large that is making all of the loud curse words was funny. But who is being the real coach of the sunderland club? Is the authentic manager being like that in the life that is real?
    Is the man that is called Eric Gates still being the mascot for the sunderland team?
    I am hoping to hear a letter from you soon Lady and maybe you will also being able to be helping me understand more the ways of the sunderland team and maybe we can become the friends-of-the-pen also.


    Being Sincerely,

    G. Fauster


    I’ll print the reply as and when I receive one!

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    7:00 am
    Sees Peytar rise from his slumber in his smart detached treehouse in the leafy suburb of Silksworth and he contemplates another day at Sunderland Football Club. “Oh! Is that a banana under me blanket or me mornin’ wood?” he chortles before yawning “Another day trying to get those useless f***ers motivated” he groans. He stretches then climbs out of his cradle that he jokingly refers to as his ‘ape-ri-cot’.
    7:10 am
    Peytar does a few lengths in a nearby puddle before breakfast. “Brrrrr! This ****ing water is b**t**d freezing!” he grimaces “and me f***in’ knuckles are draggin’ on the f***ing pavement below!”
    Despite his stumpy, hirsute appearance and docile manner, Peytar is actually a bit of a health nut. He will only eat fresh fruit, nuts and vegetables and in extreme cases other chimpanzees.
    7:30 am
    Time for breakfast as Peytar sits down to a pint of milk and 1lb of bananas, lovingly prepared by the lovely Mrs Reid. “Best f***in’ meal of the day, Breakfast!” he enthuses. He downs the lot using both his hands and his feet. A quick belch, a pat of the tummy and a sneaky fart later and Peytar is ready to take on the day. He and Mrs Reid spend 10 minutes quality preening time together before Peytar heads out of the front door of his treehouse.
    8:00 am
    Peytar arrives at the Stadium of Light on a specially adapted motorbike and sidecar. “It’s me f***in’ pride and joy this f***in’ bike! Cost a b**t**d bomb!” he enthuses as he dismounts. “Sometimes me fat, tashy, mate Mr Fickling jumps in the sidecar and cadges a lift off me, but he’s in Antarctica this week scouting for talent”.
    8:10 am
    Inside his office, Peytar’s first call is to the Nicaraguan FA regarding the fee for a possible new signing.
    Peytar: “Fifty f***in’ thousand pound for a 39 year old? You must be f***in’ joking la!”
    N.F.A.: “But Sir he is a Nicaraguan international, with well over 40 caps!”
    Peytar: “Look! I don’t care what f***in’ dentistry work he’s had done. I’m not paying fifty grand!”
    The phone is slammed back into its cradle and after a few more curses Peytar’s search continues for a big name signing.
    10:00 pm
    Just enough time to call in at Michael Gray’s Mam’s house for a quick bit of slap and tickle then it’s off home to Mrs Reid. A cosy fireside chat, a glass of Um Bongo and a quick scan of the Sunderland Echo then it’s “Bedtime for Peytar”........but not before he has to remove a young Ronald Reagan and the once delectable Diana Lynn from between his sheets.


    Peter Reid goes into a building society to deposit some money. Whilst there, a robbery takes place, and Peter is knocked unconscious during the struggle. In a few minutes he comes round, but is still very confused. 
    "What, er, how, er, where am I?" he mumbles.
    "Relax. Your in the Nationwide" says a paramedic.
    Monkeyheed Reid replies "Bloody Hell! You mean I've been asleep all season?"

    Malcolm, the Mackem is sent to Hell for his sins (thieving mostly). There he meets the Devil, who asks him
    "How art thou finding the eternal damnation of Hades?"
    "Not too bad, really", says Malcolm "It's certainly warmer than Wearside in November. Quite pleasant really."
    Satan is very upset that anyone should actually enjoy Hell, so he orders his demons to turn down all the heating, until it is so cold that the very air freezes. He then goes to seek out Malcolm, who is smiling broadly.
    "What art thou doing?", asks Satan. "Is not the bitter cold chilling thy twisted soul to the very core?"
    "Yes", admits Malcolm, "but I'm still happy, because this weather can only mean one thing......Sunderland must have won the Premier League!"

    A Newcastle fan, a Leeds fan and a M*ckem are on their way to a match when they notice a foot sticking out from behind some bushes at the side of a road. They stop to look behind the bushes and they’re surprised to see a naked female lying there, dead. Out of respect and proprietary, the Newcastle fan takes off his NUFC hat and places it carefully over the ladies right breast. The Leeds fan then removes his LUFC hat and places it over the lady's left breast. Finally the M*ckem removes his SAFC hat and places it over the ladies exposed crotch. The Police are then called and when the Officer eventually arrives, he begins to conduct his inspection. Firstly he lifts the NUFC hat up, replaces it and jots down a few notes on his pad. Secondly he removes the LUFC hat, replaces it and jots down some more notes. The PC then lifts the SAFC hat, inspects, then replaces it. Perplexed, he scratches his head and goes back to have another look, he lifts the hat, replaces it and is still looking confused before having yet another look under the hat. The M*ckem by this time is a bit upset and asks the PC if he is some kind of pervert as he has had three peeks beneath the SAFC hat at the ladies crotch. “No! Certainly not!” replies the PC “It’s just that I’m completely confused   Normally when I look under a Sunderland hat I find an ar*ehole.

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    Voice of (Un)Reason

    A monthly feature in which our very own "Raging Gnome" discusses life, the universe and...


    F*ckin~ Dave Bailey! Dave F*ckin Bailey! Divven’t taak to me aboot Dave F*ckin~ Bailey. Who’s he think he his? The cheeky little bas*ards aanly gone an’ nicked me own f*ckin inimitable writing style for the match reports on the website hasn’t he! Whatsaaltharraboot then? Is he tekkin’ the pi~s or what? Fair enough like, he manages to carry it off an’ aall that, and he is canny accurate with his grammar an’ stuff.. .but withoot me permission? Whey, he wants shaftin’ man! Good an’ proper! Dave Bailey wants his little b*stard ar*se howkin’ with the raggy end of a f*ckin~ ripe pineapple the plagiaristic, little ~*t! F*ck ‘im!

    That wifey that mek’s aall the food at the meetings at the THT want’s chinnin’ an’ aall. Whoever heard of a f*ckin sarnie withoot a top layer o’ breed on the f*cker? Not f*ckin~ me an’ I’m from Waallsend where they invented sarnies. I mean fair enough, catering for 60-odd or so pi*sed up blokes cannit be ower easy an’ aal that.. .but for f*cks sake! Put another slice on top o’ the b*stard butties next time or (‘II come roond and sh*t in yer f*ckin~ rabbit hutch!) An’ mixin’ pickled onions wi f*ckin~ gherkins in the pickle bowl! Whatsaaltharraboot then? If I was a pickled onion I wouldn’t wanna share a f*ckin bowl with a twa*ting gherkin. Gherkins are f*ckin~ aaful green b*stards! F*ck the lorrathem!

    Prostitutes?Whatsaaltharrabast*rdboot then? Rats wi’ fan*ies more like! I tell you what, the lorra them want f*ckin~! In fact the next time I find one hangin’ aboot in me bedroom at hyem, I’m ganna howk her! Good an’ proper.

    Sven Goran Erikson? What’s Sweden ever given us that’s any good? Abba were sh*t, Ikea’s sh*t and their Army knives are f*ckin useless! If he doesn’t tek wu from bottom of the qualifying group to World Cup 2002 and then into the Final he wants a f*ckin~ cheese grater tekkin’ tiv his bas*ard banjo string.. ..then shootin’    Ba*tard!

    The Greek Cyrillic alphabet! Whatthef*cksaalltharraf*ckinboot?


    Top Ten

    What's Hot & What's Not

    Nov 2000



    1 Bein’ unreasonable
    2 Waallsend
    3 Bein’ a dwaarf
    4 Bein’ caalled Arran
    5 Methley & LS26
    6 Scrappin’ an’ aalI that
    7 Seem’ one side of an argument
    8 Jeans from Mothercare & Adams
    9 Tekkin’ the pi~s oot 0’ Thompson
    10 Conflicts an’ that


    1 Bein’ reasonable and soft
    2 Waall’s Ice Cream
    3 Bein’ lanky (ie: over 5’2”)
    4 Bein’ caalled Dave
    5 Methadone & LSD
    6 Bein’ a big, soft puff
    7 Seem’ both sides of an argument like
    8 Jeans from freaky ootsize shops like Next
    9 Tekkin’ the pi~s oot o’ Arran
    10 Peace an’ boII*cks like that

    If ye or some f*cker ye knaa would like tiv appear in the next edition of me column, just tek the pi*s oot of iz at the next meeting or match....B*st*rds!

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    There are 4 differences (honestly!) between the two pictures of our 'figurehead’ Tory Chairman on the left.

    Simply ring all 3 changes and bring your answers along to the monthly meeting on December 5th in an envelope marked:

    JT Competition
    C/o Gary Foster
    Town Hall Tavern

    The first correct (or funniest alternative solution) will receive an “autographed” pair of the Editor’s Luckypants that were worn for the lpswich (H) game.

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