|Featuring:||Editor's drivel (PG)|
|Dear Edna (12)|
|TV listings (15)|
|Can you hear the Geordies ring? (12)|
|Letter to SAFC SA (PG)|
|Let's all laugh at Sunlin' part II (18)|
|Arran 'TyneMooth' Mallinson (X)|
|Competition time (12)|
50% extra swear words free in this issue!!
Would p*rents ple@se note th*t this newslett&r contains b*d language which m*y be deemed uns-itable to min*rs and M*ckems alike. Th*nk you.
Welcome to the “new-look” Pud. Too adult for minors but still full of the same old childish tat.
I’ve had me warnings about the ‘language’ content of the newsletter, and as Tynemooth would say “Faireenuff!” But the truth is, I haven’t really cleaned the contents up. I’ve just stuck an 18 certificate on the bugger.
Anyway, this issue has been rush-released so that we can all have a laugh about the Mackems (and Bailey) on the way to the game. Trouble is, with me rushing ahead, I’ve not got the usual amount of material.
I’ve considered running a spread about our “almost” famous members. You know, like Michael Hutchings out of INXS, Paul McKenna the TV (that’s TV as in telly-not transvestite) hypnotist and David Bailey the Royal photographer nonce. But no. I couldn’t muster anything up.
So there’s the usual pee-taking out of JT and Dave. Little Arran has now got a regular monthly column due to the response to his contribution in Pud 16. But the other problem I have is that Arran’s column is the reason that I’ve had to put a warning note on the front page.
No matter how many times I ask him politely to” tone the lingo” down he just replies “**** off Foster! It’s my column that people read it for, not your ******* editorial pile of ****!“ So there you go. What can I do?
Do I sack Arran and lose all popularity and credibility I might have once had or do I carry on letting him launch his monthly foul mouthed tirade against all and sundry in these very pages?........... See page 7.
Below are 10 facts you may or may not know about our unwashed, peg-selling rivals from up the A19. All are 100% genuine - streyts!
Statistics courtesy of Which? Mackem magazine.
Back to top
No this isn't the first in a series of Agony Aunt columns, it's an actual copy of the letter that Wheelie sent to Edna (Gordano’s Mam) after he destroyed their home with puke and worse after a now in famous night out round Tad. Enjoy.
I thought I would write a quick letter to apologise for last weekend. Sorry it was a bit later (sic) but I got my wires crossed when Gordon spoke to me on Sunday. When I rang up I was a bit upset when John put the phone down although I could see that he was just as angry as you were.
I have always got on well with you and John and you have always made me feel very welcome in Tadcaster by giving me somewhere to stay and food on the table. I know this will not be the same now but I hope we can still be on speaking terms. I will provide the money for the pillows as soon as you provide the receipt. I feel very embarrassed about the whole situation.
Again please accept my apologies and as a token of my appreciation for your kindness that you always show me please accept the gift with this letter.
Back to top
This is a communication between
myself and the webmaster at the safc-uk.co.uk site. I went to their site,
noticed a link for a job application, filled in the e-mail as below and
sent it off. I was expecting an inbox full of insults and stuff when I
got back into work on Monday. How wrong I was! The soft Mackem get
has only gone and offered me the job! I am, however, considering their
offer. It is strictly voluntary, but come on! The Mackems want yours truly
to write a monthly page slagging them off. How hard can that be?
|Sent: Friday, November 10, 2000 12:21 PM I would like
to write articles for your website.
I am a Newcastle United Season Ticket Holder, originally from Gateshead but have now relocated to West Yorkshire.
Please find enclosed my CV
I hate Mackem baskets
|Sent: Sunday, November11, 2000 1:45 PM
We here at SAFC UK would be delighted if you wrote a weekly article for us.
For all you were no doubt taking the p~ss we feel that you are just what we need to provoke the Sunderland fans and better yet to keep them returning to the site.
Back to top
|7:00 The Keith
Fun for all the family with the
M*ckem ventriloquist tart.
The Wrong Trousers:
In their first adventure on film, Wallace (Tom Harbord) and his sophisticated dog Gromit (Jude) are trying to decide where to go for their annual picnic holiday. In terms of appetite, NBA is their favourite - it doesn’t take long to make up their minds.
Wallace’s penchant for inventing
and Gromit’s hard work mean they’re soon blasting off in a home-made rocket
and heading for the Toon, hoping to find it made of NBA. But their Toon
tasting expedition arouses the anger of the Toon’s resident mechanical
landlord. In the conflict that ensues the earthlings unwittingly help the
tin guardian to fulfil its dreams!
More military shenanigans from Bilko (Geoff Speight) and his haphazard troops in this classic 50’s comedy. (R)
7:30 News & Weather
7:40 Inch High Private Eye Cartoon capers featuring Arran Mallinson
8:00 Ready Steady Puke
Cooking and puking
against the clock.
Hosted by Dave "Wheelie
Keith Barclay positions a plastic, see-through toad at ordnance grid reference 15336N / 63158E on his window sill then sits back and waits for positive chi. Will he be eternally happy....wiIl he win the lottery....will he b*II*cks! (R)
10:30 FILM * *
Far From The Madding Crowd
Sue drags JT away from his rowdy cohorts on the 10:17 train to Newcastle much to the annoyance of his companions.
A personal trauma for Sam Dingle (Gay Foster) as he goes on a night out with a pal but ends up almost causing a fight with a posse of black lads before falling asleep on a bus and finally following through in his ‘lucky-matchday-pants’ and has to dump them in a churchyard. What will he do? Will he survive the 4 mile walk home with his pants full of silage? Will his lass believe he hasn’t been bummed?
7:30 Coronation Street
Cult Martial Arts Classic. This episode sees our hero Monkey (Graham Helling) fall asleep on a train and misplace his phone. (R)
Letters and numbers game
that John Thompson from Leeds, (married with 1 daughter, whose hobbies include the internet) done absolutely sh*te on, in front of millions of viewers, also managing to get a good stuffing by a cockney wide-boy in the process. Featuring that Vorderman tart and that fat, specky-four-eyed, smug, Tory-get Richard Whiteley.
Tom Harbord of Pudsey recounts his terrifying ordeal of surviving a wasp attack on his eye.
“It swelled up like a sheeps f*nny man! I looked like John Merrick y’knaa!” he recalls.
Back to top
CAN YOU HEAR THE GEORDIES RING?
Sunday, September 17, 2000 1:14 PM
How do mate - please send Blaydon Races ringtone - the donation is in the post. Cheer
Gippa from the Toon
ps - is Dave Stead still alive?
Sent: Tuesday, November 07, 2000 1:35 AM
Subject: Keighley Mags
Howz it ganin?
This is Kev James in New Jersey (originally Hazlerigg Village) I got your e-mail from nufc.com has anyone come across the lads from Keighley Terry Tony and Kirtley from era 1982 -1988 until I left for Canada and USA. We first met in Leeds during a big brawl in the town centre thinking they were Leeds until Terry showed his "I HATE LEEDS" tattoo
Sent: Wednesday, November
08, 2000 10:58 PM
Sent: Friday, November
10, 2000 3:03 AM
Sent: Wednesday, October 11, 2000 8:20 PM
Subject: Re: Blaydon Races
Thanks very much for the ringing tone..received loud and clear in a matter of a few mins after I sent my e-mail a little while ago. I'll send off cheque tomorrow ..then sicken as many Makems as I can in the office as often as I can !
Sent: Thursday, October 12, 2000 9:43 PM
Subject: Blayden Races
I have the Nokia 5110 whilst the wife has the Nokia 3210 telephone. We are based in Bahrain and watch as many games on the box as possible. Young Bobby Robson seems to be sorting the team out after the disastrous periods of Daglish and Gullit. We can only hope for better time ahead. The sound of the Blayden Races sounding across Bahrain will be music to our ears. I can send cheque but will need the address.
Thanks and regards
Sent: Sunday, October 15, 2000 8:42 PM
Subject: Re: Re Blaydon Races
I've got it, brilliant that should piss off the mackems at work tomorrow cheers. Obviously don't bother with the email now. All the best with the fundraising.
Tuesday, October 17, 2000 5:57 AM
I'm a football fan living in australia.
I am hoping to get somew autographs from my favourite teasm if you could help brilliant.
48 Gipps Street
New South Wales 2041
Sent: Wednesday, October
18, 2000 8:03 AM
Sent: Tuesday, October
17, 2000 11:27 PM
Sent: Friday, November 03, 2000 11:53 AM
Hi Martin Stephenson here, need that tune
Mobile no is 07799 777531
Howay the lads!!
Reply: Nice one -
tone has been sent assuming you've got a decent Nokia - so we need your
Sent: Monday, November
06, 2000 10:58 AM
Sent: Thursday, November
09, 2000 12:28 AM
Back to top
LETTER TO SAFC SA
I’ll print the reply as and when I receive one!
Back to top
LET'S ALL LAUGH AT SUNLIN' PART II
Peter Reid goes into a building society to deposit some money. Whilst there, a robbery takes place, and Peter is knocked unconscious during the struggle. In a few minutes he comes round, but is still very confused.
"What, er, how, er, where am I?" he mumbles.
"Relax. Your in the Nationwide" says a paramedic.
Monkeyheed Reid replies "Bloody Hell! You mean I've been asleep all season?"
Malcolm, the Mackem is sent
to Hell for his sins (thieving mostly). There he meets the Devil, who asks
A Newcastle fan, a Leeds
fan and a M*ckem are on their way to a match when they notice a foot sticking
out from behind some bushes at the side of a road. They stop to look behind
the bushes and they’re surprised to see a naked female lying there, dead.
Out of respect and proprietary, the Newcastle fan takes off his NUFC hat
and places it carefully over the ladies right breast. The Leeds fan then
removes his LUFC hat and places it over the lady's left breast. Finally
the M*ckem removes his SAFC hat and places it over the ladies exposed crotch.
The Police are then called and when the Officer eventually arrives, he
begins to conduct his inspection. Firstly he lifts the NUFC hat up, replaces
it and jots down a few notes on his pad. Secondly he removes the LUFC hat,
replaces it and jots down some more notes. The PC then lifts the SAFC hat,
inspects, then replaces it. Perplexed, he scratches his head and goes back
to have another look, he lifts the hat, replaces it and is still looking
confused before having yet another look under the hat. The M*ckem by this
time is a bit upset and asks the PC if he is some kind of pervert as he
has had three peeks beneath the SAFC hat at the ladies crotch. “No! Certainly
not!” replies the PC “It’s just that I’m completely confused
Normally when I look under a Sunderland hat I find an ar*ehole.
Back to top
ARRAN 'TYNEMOOTH' MALLINSON
F*ckin~ Dave Bailey! Dave F*ckin Bailey! Divven’t taak to me aboot Dave F*ckin~ Bailey. Who’s he think he his? The cheeky little bas*ards aanly gone an’ nicked me own f*ckin inimitable writing style for the match reports on the website hasn’t he! Whatsaaltharraboot then? Is he tekkin’ the pi~s or what? Fair enough like, he manages to carry it off an’ aall that, and he is canny accurate with his grammar an’ stuff.. .but withoot me permission? Whey, he wants shaftin’ man! Good an’ proper! Dave Bailey wants his little b*stard ar*se howkin’ with the raggy end of a f*ckin~ ripe pineapple the plagiaristic, little ~*t! F*ck ‘im!
That wifey that mek’s aall the food at the meetings at the THT want’s chinnin’ an’ aall. Whoever heard of a f*ckin sarnie withoot a top layer o’ breed on the f*cker? Not f*ckin~ me an’ I’m from Waallsend where they invented sarnies. I mean fair enough, catering for 60-odd or so pi*sed up blokes cannit be ower easy an’ aal that.. .but for f*cks sake! Put another slice on top o’ the b*stard butties next time or (‘II come roond and sh*t in yer f*ckin~ rabbit hutch!) An’ mixin’ pickled onions wi f*ckin~ gherkins in the pickle bowl! Whatsaaltharraboot then? If I was a pickled onion I wouldn’t wanna share a f*ckin bowl with a twa*ting gherkin. Gherkins are f*ckin~ aaful green b*stards! F*ck the lorrathem!
Prostitutes?Whatsaaltharrabast*rdboot then? Rats wi’ fan*ies more like! I tell you what, the lorra them want f*ckin~! In fact the next time I find one hangin’ aboot in me bedroom at hyem, I’m ganna howk her! Good an’ proper.
Sven Goran Erikson? What’s Sweden ever given us that’s any good? Abba were sh*t, Ikea’s sh*t and their Army knives are f*ckin useless! If he doesn’t tek wu from bottom of the qualifying group to World Cup 2002 and then into the Final he wants a f*ckin~ cheese grater tekkin’ tiv his bas*ard banjo string.. ..then shootin’ Ba*tard!
The Greek Cyrillic alphabet! Whatthef*cksaalltharraf*ckinboot?
1 Bein’ unreasonable
1 Bein’ reasonable and soft
If ye or some f*cker ye knaa
would like tiv appear in the next edition of me column, just tek the pi*s
oot of iz at the next meeting or match....B*st*rds!
Back to top
|There are 4 differences
(honestly!) between the two pictures of our 'figurehead’ Tory Chairman
on the left.
Simply ring all 3 changes and bring your answers along to the monthly meeting on December 5th in an envelope marked:
The first correct (or funniest
alternative solution) will receive an “autographed” pair of the Editor’s
Luckypants that were worn for the lpswich (H) game.
Back to top