Issue 19           February 2001
 
 
Featuring: Editor's rant
Thompson's chatroom
Battle of the Mams
Magpie Spy
Pud classified
Lonely hearts
Competition
Aminam
Arran 'Tynemooth' Mallinson
HMP LUFC
Birding with Bill Oddie

Home


EDITORIAL

Hallo. Nuw Ah divven’t knaa if yiz’ll rimember last month’s issue but Gaz has handed ower the reigns for this issue to me good self. It’s aany reet that he should giz a blast at editin’ The Pud after aall the work I’ve purrin forrim in the last fower issues.
Before he left he sez “Arran, ye’ve got complete control ower the contents of Pud No. 19….but for Bob’s sake, divven’t gan cuckin’ an’ funtin’ aall ower the front page!” So I sez “Gaz man! Divvent worry yasel’ yer baldy get. Yiv left the Newsletter in a pair o’ more than capable hands….an’ aall that”. So here I gan……

I divven’t knaa aboot yeez, burra thowt the referees in charge of them two hyem games and the Spurs game ower the Christmas hollurdiz were atrocious man. That lanky get “Mavis “ Riley from doon here in Leeds wants a good beltin’ man! Why didn’t ‘e just caall the game off an’ give Man United a three-nowt pools panel type result? If any o’ the Yorkshiremags knaa where aboots he lives, just drop us a line an’ Ah’ll gan roond wi me mates an’ fettle the mincin’ ponce once an’ for aall.

Then there was that bugger Andy D’Urso against Leeds. Andy-effin’-D’ars*hole more like! I’d like to mek the bugger move back another 10 yards……ower an’ effin’ cliff! Biffa on nufc.com cudden a purrit better in his match report an’ aall that. He caalled him an “Absolute tosser”. Soonds like Biffa’s a man after me own icy cold, tiny heart.

And as for that Steven Bennett. Whey, Steven Bast*ard more like! He sent young Dyer off for swearin’ arreez bum-chum. If linesmen divven’t like bein’ sworn at, they should come equipped wi’ a geet big pair o’ ear muff things. Yer knaa, like what Paul Young and George Michael wore on the Band Aid video an’ aall that! That’ll smarten ‘em! Nee messin’!

Whey, as yiz can proberly tell, these refs annoyed us a lirrel bit. So what I’ve decided to de is this:
Step 1. Aall ye’ve gorra de is cut the refs Pickcha oot (aalwuz mek sure thaz an adult present when ye’re deein’ dangerous stuff like this)
Step 2. Stick the picture of the ref onto the back uv a urinal wi’ chewing gum or hockle (tek care deein’ this an’ aall coz ye divven’t wanna get jorms an’ stuff aall ower yer mitts!)
Step 3. Relieve yersel’ aall ower the smug little gets boatrace.
Hint. This also works canny wi’ any owld Sunderland Panini footbaall stickers that yer might have lying aboot in the hoose. I put one o’ Colin West on the back o’ me Mam’s bog in ‘83 when I lived at hyem. Ho hoooh! Worra laff man!

Reet, that’s me done. Forst “Mallinson” Pud done an’ dusted. I divven’t knaa what Gaz cries on aboot at the meetin’s aboot havin’ nee material. It’s a piece of pittle man. Just afore I gan here’s a little bit o’ advice that I’ve lornt from me aahn experience that I feel I should pass on to me fellow NUSCY members:
Remember that nivva, under any corcumstances, tek a laxative pill and a sleepin’ pill on the same neet.

Quick Quiz:
Pt I  Can you name 18 ex-Newcastle players who now ply their trade for other Premiership clubs?
Pt II  Can you name 5 filthy Mackems who now sell pegs and sharpen knives door-to-door for other Premiership clubs?
Answers at end
 

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TURKEY NECK THOMPSON'S CHATROOM

.....with John Thompson
Over the past few weeks I’ve noticed that I have been the target of some very harsh criticism from other members of the club.

I will be the first to admit, that I have turned into, what the more cynical members of the club, might call “an old tart “ since the beginning of my blossoming romance with my new partner Sue. I find this sort of  infantile ‘back-biting’ ludicrous and my reply to those people is (without sounding infantile myself): “you’re just jealous because you haven’t got a girlfriend and I have”.

It may not have gone unnoticed to you all that I now prefer sex and shopping to the demon drink and I would now much rather spend £1.80 on a nice pair of argyle socks than a bottle of NBA. This metamorphosis is entirely down to Sue, the light of my life and my sole reason for living. If it weren’t for her I’d still be a foulmouthed (but popular) drunken old fool.

No longer shall I prop up the bar in the THT after work every night, no longer shall every other word that leaves my wrinkled old mouth be an expletive and no longer shall I tolerate the “Don & Ivy” insults.

If being rowdy, bawdy and constantly three-sheets-to-the-wind makes you a popular man, then call me a hermit!

It’s like Sue says to me every night; “You don’t need friends, beer and football John dear....you’ve got me. What more could you possibly want?” 

She’s right too! I can’t think of anything more I  could possibly need.

With my yobbo days behind me, I have found that I have more time on my hands and so I have turned my mind to studying Buddhism and the art of tantric sex.
“But what is tantric sex?” I hear the ignorant among you cry. Let me explain....

Wey, it’s exactly the same as normal shagging but you’ve got to nip your owld japs-eye shut just before yer lose yer muck. If yer manage it, yer can keep gannin’ for ages man. It’s f*ckin’ great! 






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BATTLE OF THE MAMS

Wondered how Gordon manages to get to all the games but dress for the match like he's off with the England Supporter's Club - Stone Island ?? - whatsaalltharaboot then. Well Edna Wilson has now sussed that he shows no sign of settling down and is spending more than ever on getting to the game and looking the part.  Does anyone remember when he used to go like this?

Well she's gradually become more disillusioned by the lack of female company he brings round for tea having hoped that Hamish's example would inspire to extend his horizons. So she's decided to raise his bed and board and has imposed a massive 40% cost of living increase aimed at either :
- getting him out; or
- reducing his thug-wear budget; or
- setting a level for the next ten years - just in case he stays for good

If he remains in the nest as opposed to on it then his new tariff of £140 a month will entitle him to a certain amount of domestic servitude - washing, ironing, cooking, cleaning, shopping. But he's still expected to wash-up and dry when he's at home. And he also contributes £10 a month for Hamish's Sky package and some more for his share of the phone bill.

There's a slight chance of a change in circumstances as he's admitted that Hamish has a good life and he's fallen on his feet with Karen who - in his words - 'does all of the cooking, washing, ironing and cleaning - she's a great lass'.

Over in Cookridge Michael Hutchings gets a great deal from Cath and Alan. He only ever comes home for food and his bed and spends everynight out somewhere. He still doesn't know where the hoover is kept. For his contribution of £80 a week he does - according to Alan - 'absolutley nowt - but I was the same when I was at home! Good luck to him!'. Class - that's proper family values.

In Headingley student hell Dave Wheeler is really missing his mam and relies upon her for undisclosed domestic assistance and his dad for regular cash bale outs. For his £195 a month rent he's still got all of his bills to pay. But a mother's love is boundless and when she heard he was losing out in the fashion stakes to Tad Lad, she loaned him her new green C&A fleece for the match........he wore it.
 

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MAGPIE SPY

What better way to while away the arduous 1 hour and 40 minute trip up the A1 to God’s Country on a matchday than to play a round of i Spy with your travelling companions?

Below is a list of items that you may see on your journey. Each item has a score, which is shown in brackets. The more difficult items have a higher score, the simpler items have a lower score. At the end of the competition, tot up your ticked boxes and calculate your final score. The winner gets to sit next to Arran on the bus back home. Happy spying!
 
Round 1 - At the Station
Someone burning their mouth on a McDonalds apple or blackberry pie  (1)
A helpful platform attendant  (4)
A mucky book on the top shelf in John Menzies (2)
A homeless chap's pi*s-stained duvet (2)
A satisfied rail passenger (5)
A short-arsed Mackem on his mobile phone (1)
Round 4 - In Wetherspoons
A pug-ugly, bull-necked knackerbag acting as a bouncer at the front door (2)
Bernie removing two empty bottles of Becks from his pocket and dumping them on a nearby table (1)
The Club Sponsor sitting quietly and not being a rowdy pain in the arse (4)
Our Chairman without female accompaniment (5)
Someone who resembles an old soap actress carrying 3 Fenwick’s bags, 4 Next bags and a M&S bag (5)
A short-arsed Mackem on his mobile phone (1)
Round 2 - On the Minibus
An empty bottle of Becks under Bernie’s seat (1)
Big Issue in a foetal sleeping position (2)
Someone holding page 3 of The Sun aloft and gesticulating what he’d like to do to her (1)
A gay student eating a pastie (2)
A man with a neck like a turkey talking about “sha*gin’” in a loud manner (2)
A short-arsed Mackem on his mobile phone (1)
Round 5 - At the Match
A reasonably priced, drinkable pint (5)
A fatherless referee / linesman that practices the art of onanism......regularly (1)
An old man in the dug-out wearing a scarf and eating Jesmona humbugs (2)
An ex-Toon player / Geordie scoring on his debut for the opposition (2)
A drunk bloke p*ssing in a sink, stood on his tippy-toes while the hot tap is running (1)
The Toon desperately hanging onto a 1 goal lead (1)
Round 3 - On the Motorway
A B-Reg Datsun Cherry carrying 8 or more Asians (3)
An advert for a Darlington Massage Parlour painted onto the side of a caravan (3)
A sexually aroused (male) horse in a field (4)
A big f*ckin’ rusty Angel / Aeroplane thing on the top of a small hillock (2)
Some dried birdsh*t on the sunroof of the minibus (4)
Two empty bottles of Becks clanking together under Bernie’s seat (2)
Round 6 - In the Novos Club
An old woman possessing only three teeth drinking McEwan’s Export from the bottle (3)
A sh*tty photocopy of a charcoal portrait of a Newcastle legend in a gold frame from Wilko’s (1)
A peasant selling cheap “abibas” Toon shirts and  “Johnny Hilbinker” sunglasses from a bin liner (2)
Bernie slyly putting two full bottles of Becks and a bottle of Lemon Hooch into his jacket pocket (2)
“Half a lung” spat against the wall of the urinal (3)
A cartoon of an ejaculating penis scratched into the paint on the front of the condom machine (3)

 
Name:..........................................................
Score:..........(out of 84)
How is your eyesight?
Ratings:
00-20  Helen Keller
21-40  Stevie Wonder
41-60  Mr Magoo
61-82  Steve Austin-The Six Million Dollar Man

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PUD CLASSIFIED

New from the exclusive Yorkshiremags range for Spring 2001. Two brand new 100% NBA & ciggie burn proof cotton t-shirts available in the two exciting designs below. Fill in the order form below and bring along to the next Yorkshiremags meeting.
Looks great on the beach or in your armchair!
 

'Mallinson' style,
available in XXS/XS/S

'JT' style, available
in L/XL/XXL/Bernie


Qty
 
Style
 
Size
 
Total
£

Available from 31st February 2001


OFFICIALS WANTED!

Do you have cataracts? Are you a xenophobic little Hitler? Enjoy dressing up in schoolboy-type PE wear? Do you hold a burning hatred towards Geordies?

Why not become an FA referee or referees assistant?

Send details to:
The Football Assoc. Soho, London

EXCLUSIVE OFFER!!!


This offer is open to residents
of Wearside only. Proof of
address may be required upon purchase.
STYNX Cosmetics ©
New “Mackerel Seduction” fragrance -
available only at Superdrug,
The Galleries, Washington.

To promote this exciting new range of
toiletries we are offering all filthy
Mackems the chance to buy-one-get-one-free.
Yes! That’s right. Just buy one bottle of
new Mackerel Seduction spray and choose
another bottle from our extensive
range....absolutely free.

Choose from: Tuna Tease-Yeasty
Dream-October Cabbage or Pilchard
Passion. All of which guaranteed to give any Wearside Bint, the Fanny Gallops!

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LONELY HEARTS - WEARSIDE EDITION
 

Hi, I am an 28 year old SAFC fanatic from Hylton Castle called Denise. I would like to find a fat man with a moustache to accompany me to SAFC home games (except Saturday games when I go shop(lift)ing in the Galleries). My other interests include collecting clothes pegs (my favourites are the wooden ones with a 7 coil springs) and watching educational documentaries on TV such as Tots TV and The Tweenies. I am currently studying for my GCSE’s. Contact Ref: MAKMHOWND/002

Greetings. My name is Marie, I have 3 bellybuttons and I live with my 8 brothers and 6 sisters in a bedsit in the heart of Sunderlands dock area. I would like to meet a tracksuited man in his 40’s for company on shoplifting trips and possibly breeding. I’ll do anything for 10 Lambert & Butler Menthol!
Contact Ref: MAKMPIGG/025 
 

Hi boys! I’m Casandra from Pennywell. Are you getting ‘hot’  at my photo of me in my big knickers? Mmmm! I am. Can you smell me? I’ve just followed through in my pants. Sometimes I can be such a bad girl. In fact, just a fortnight ago I went 23 days without bathing. I also “wipe myself” from back-to-front. Yum.
Contact Ref: MAKMSLAG/078 
 

Hello Ladies. I am Pueblo from Silksworth. I’m looking for a compassionate but smelly Wearside lass that enjoys  “tea-bagging”, drinking tins of Stryke lager in the house and licking dusty skirting boards. I have very bad acne on my back and sweat-chaffed inner thighs. I am a season ticket holder at SAFC. I like to bathe in soy sauce and I also enjoy stealing lead from the orphanage roof, writing FTM on bus stops and going to the toilet in my pants.
Contact Ref: FATMAKMCNT/152

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KEEF'S KWALITY KWIZ KOMPETITION
 
Keith’s band Mirroball are touring again. The dates are as follows. 
2 Feb - Royal at Clayton
9 Feb - Craven Heifer, 4 Lane Ends
24 Feb - Britannia, Shipley
27 Feb - Junction, Queensbury
2 March - Black Bull, Clayton 

If you’re unsure of the whereabouts of the venues listed, you could always drop the balaclavad one a line at:
Kbarclay@lineone.net
 


The idea is to put names of groups/artists into the gaps. For example Our tale takes us to a strange land where 1) insert name of band/artist swung through the trees. If you think this could be say, ‘Britney Spears’ then you would insert that name etc etc until No 60. Unfortunately “Arraan Mallinson” would not be correct either though perhaps appropriate! The first correct entry presented at a MirrorBall gig wins a copy of a Football Video (Vinnies Revenge).

The answers and the name of the winner (if anyone bothers to enter it) will hopefully appear in the next edition of The Pud.

Our tale takes us to a strange land where 1)   swung through the trees, 2)   crawled amongst the dead wood and thousands of 3)   made a loud evening chorus. 4)   soared majestically above, casting giant 5)   over the 6)   in the middle of the desert. This small village sized kingdom was situated in the 7)   of the continent of 8)  It was ruled over by a fair haired 9)  and a troublesome 10)  . Most of his life had been spent in London so he was a real 11)   . His mother, was known to everyone as 12)  .One day a posh looking man wearing a colourful 13)   cloak arrived from another country. The 14)   claimed he was the rightful ruler and that they were 15)   to the throne. The son said that 16)   should be the 17)   of the day until a 18)   for the situation could be found. They all sat down for a meal together. The main course consisted of vegetables and 19)   with gravy and for the 20)   they had roly poly made with 21)   which was accompanied by 22)  . To drink they had steaming mugs of 23)   which made their 24)  light up with delight. Right, said the stranger 25)    must now sign this document and eat 26)   .Well as you can imagine this caused a real 27)   amongst the two 28)   29) . Let’s not panic said the son, we’re not in 30)   yet. Since it’s Sunday let’s contact our crazy churchmen for help. The 31)    arrived to adjudicate the proceedings. This problem is as easy as 32)  said the senior churchman, a colourful character known as 33)   . First you must shake hands, but don’t 34)   too tightly and then you must 35)   and make up. Now you should read the country’s Book of Constitutions. It’s a small book and it’s 36)    . It was indeed a bad day, in fact it was a 37)  . By now Her Majesty was sobbing uncontrollably. They were 38)   of losing her monarchy. 39) ! Said the son, let’s call the 40)   to sort out this mess. When they arrived they breathalysed the stranger and as suspected he had been drinking 41)  . As he was arrested, he swung with his right fist. 42)  ! He hit the officer and blood oozed from the wound. It was treated with Dettol which made it 43)   and then covered it with a 44)  . After his 45)   with the authorities he was taken to the station and put in a 46) (which was padded). On the way there, the 47)    threw stones at him. Meanwhile, back at the palace 12)   insisted that her son should go out and celebrate with his mates. He wasn’t keen, but she was 48)   so he relented and said 49  . They were infamous for their high spirits when out together. In fact they certainly weren’t 50)  . His best mate was Bill the village layabout. 51)   was also homeless so he was 52)  . Two other mates made a living selling animals and were known as the 53)    . Or the 54)   .They were eccentrics and even gave their vehicle a name. Outside their store was a hardstanding to keep their 55)    . The fifth member was the village drunk called Zeppel. They had decided to go to a men only bar. It was a well known 56)  . As they 57)    through the swing 58 ) everyone inside was 59)  turned and they all cheered the 10)   . They all lived happily ever after, except the stranger who got banned from driving for 60)   .
 

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AMINAM

........The real Short Stumpy

Ah’ve decided to change me musical direction an’ aall that since the last Pud. I thowt that deein’ cover vorsions was ower easy an’ I wasn’t challengin’ mesel’ anymore. So I thowt to mesel’ “Arran, you was browt up on the mean streets o’ that London an’ Waallsend....ye should be a hip hop artist man!” So I’ve got rid o’ me crombie jacket an’ me outgrown crew cut an replaced them wi’ Fubu trackies, Nike Air basketbaall trainers an’ I’ve taught mesel’ to swear more. From now on, I wanna be knaahn as Aminam. Here’s me forst attempt at rappin’ an’ aall that. The cynical among yous might say that it’s a rip off o’ Eminem’s track The Real Slim Shady but it f*ckin’ isn’t. I’ve put some o’ me own words in for a start.....

May I have your attention please? May I have your attention please? Will the real Short Stumpy please stand up? I repeat, will the real Short Stumpy please stand up? We're gonna have a problem here..

Y'all act like you never seen a short person before. Jaws all on the floor like Sue, like JT just burst in the door and started whoopin’ her ass worse than before they first were divorce, throwin her over furniture (Ahh!) It's the return of the... "Ah, wait, no way, you're kidding, he didn't just say what I think he did, did he?" And Li’l Bailey said... nothing you idiots! Li’l Bailey’s a sh*t, he's locked in my basement! (Ha-ha!) Feminist women love Aminam {*vocal turntable: chigga chigga chigga*} "Short Stumpy, I'm sick of him, Look at him, walkin around grabbin his you-know-what swearin’ at you-know-who," "Yeah, but he's so cute though!" Yeah, I probably got a couple of screws up in my head loose, But no worse, than what's goin on in Harbords bedroom.
Sometimes, I wanna get up at a meetin’ and just let loose, but can't but it's cool for JT to ask Sue to clean his hoose "My bum is on your lips, my bum is on your lips" And if I'm lucky, you might just give it a little kiss And that's the message that we deliver to little kids And expect them not to know what a woman's clematis is. Of course they gonna know what intercourse is By the time they hit fourth grade They got the Discovery Channel don't they? "We ain't nothing but mammals.." Well, some of us cannibals who cut other people open like cantaloupes {*SLURP*} But if we can hump seamstresses and antelopes then there's no reason that Si Martin and Wheelie can't elope {*EWWW!*} But if you feel like I feel, I got the antidote Women wave your pantyhose, sing the chorus and it goes

I'm Short Stumpy, yes I'm the real Stumpy All you other Short Stumpys are just irritating So won't the real Short Stumpy please stand up, please stand up, please stand up?
 

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ARRAN 'TYNEMOOTH' MALLINSON
 
Arran


"TyneMooth"
Mallinson
Voice of (Un)Reason

A monthly feature in which our very own "Raging Gnome" discusses life, the universe and...

Didididier Domi!
He wants a good howkin’ that b*st*rd! Cryin’ off hyem back to France just ‘cos he gorra couple o’ nasty letters? He should change ‘is name to f*ckin’ Didididier Dummy! He’s as soft as babby-sh*te man! A 20 year spell in the French Foreign Legion’ll sort that little wet f*rt out…nee messin’! An’ if I was in charge of him in the Legion, ye could guarantee he’d gan AWOL……that’s absent withoot f*ckin’ LEGS
Still, at least the little French tart got aall the hatemail an’ that what I sent tiv him though but. Heh! Heh! Heh!

Hairdressers!
What the f*ckin’ fu*k’s aall tharraboot. I gans into what I thowt was this new  hairdressers in Methley caalled Barbie’s the other day cos I thowt I was lookin’ a bit scraggy like. I sits doon in the chair like and this really fit bord started eyein’ us up an’ adjustin’ me chair height an’ aall that. So she asks us worra wanted deein’ an’ I sez “Giz a number one aall ower pet!” So she drops ‘er trollies, straddles us in the chair an’ started pi**in’ aall ower us. Streyts! I was fu*kin’ sowked through an’ I smelled o’ Sugar Puffs an’ aall that. And she says “There you go love, that’ll be £50” Whey! I nearly hit thef*ckin’ roof man…..then I clicked like…..It wasn’t a f*ckin’ Barbers after aall was it. It was one o’ them new fangled Jorman P*ss Brothels that ye read aboot. Anyway it torns oot that the sign above the door said “Barbie’s” an’ I thowt it said Barbers. The bloke that painted that sign for the shop wants f*ckin’ man! I’m ganna send the dopey b*st*rd me f*ckin’ dry cleanin’ bill. Just see if I divven’t!

Clarence Acuna!
What was he f*ckin’ thinkin’ of? He should have fell ower under pressure at Leeds to get us a pelanty instead o’ givin’ us the lead….the hairy Chilean b*st*rd


 
Fanny trouble?
One tit bigger
than the other?
Tiny knob? Unpleasant discharge?
Don't despair,
just....

Ask Arran

A brand new
feature in which
our resident
Agony Imp offers
a sympathetic
ear to your
sensitive  and delicate matters
then deals with
them in a
refreshingly novel way....

 
Dear Aaron,
I’m a married man in my late 30’s and an avid supporter of Newcastle United. The problem is, that when I attend games with my Geordie mates they all make fun of my effeminate Wearside accent. I’ve even tried watching old episodes of Spender and Auf Wiedersehen Pet in an attempt to mimick the local brogue. I am at my wits end. Can you help?
D. Bailey - Leeds
Firstly, you could try spellin’ me f**kin’ name reet, you numb tw*t! But apart from bookin’ yersel’ some o’ them posh ‘electrificution’ lessons I cannit think of nowt else. Looks like yer stuck with yer f*ck*n’ aahful Mackem peg-sellers accent for the rest o’ yer natural bonny lad. Tough sh*t!

Dearest Aaron,
I’m a divorced 50 year old man and have recently become involved with a single Mum. I love her dearly but my colleagues take the pi** and call her Ivy Brennan. Is there anything I can do to make them stop?
J. Thompson - Bramhope 
Aye! Bin her! Stick with yer wrist! And yer’ve spelt me b*st*rd name wrang an’ aall!

Dear Arrinn,
I’m a Sunderland fan living in the Leeds area. I was wondering if you could provide me with info on how  to get in touch with like-minded exiled Mackems.
B. Dover - Hunslet
Nar! Gan an’ F*ck Off!

Dear Arran,
I’m a 24 year old male student and I’ve recently been harbouring sexual feelings for one of my male friends. I’ve heard that most young men have crushes on people of the same sex. Am I normal?
Anon. 
Nar! Are yer f*ck! I’ve nivver fancied another gadgey in me life me! Bords man! That’s what yer should be havin’ mucky thoughts aboot. That an’ footbaall. Nen o’ this f*ck*n’ poovery malarkey. Yer should leave poovery to the puffs. Yer wanna git yersel’ tiv a f*ck*n’ heed-shrink mate. Gerrim to sort yer napper oot for yer! Yer’ve spelt me name reet though but. That’s not bad grammar forra dorty short-lifter.


 
Tynemooth's Performing Arts Review
Nuw, norralorroyuz’ll knaa this...but I’m a big fan o’ the performin’ arts an’ aall that. Streyts! I knaa I soond a bit glakey an’ stuff but I’m proper into gannin’ to see amateur lesbians, I mean thespians, performin’. It’s class man, yer cannit beat it. Sittin’ there in a darkened theatre, the smell of greasepaint, a box o’ popcorn an’a can o’ Vimto........... Champion.
Anyways, off I gans to the Methley Civic Theatre to see this canny little play aboot life an’ aall that in a lassies boarding school. I’ll be honest wi’ ye’s I went alang ‘cause me ex-lass is caalled Daisy an’ she done summick similar to me when I was in the bath at hyem a couple o’ weeks back...but that’s another story. (Ask us aboot it next time ye see us).

So I settles into me seat an’ I thowt to mesel’ “Arran, if thaz nee lezboism in this play, I’ll eat me own arse!” So the cortains owpen an’ streyt away It looks like I’ve struck gowld. Nee less than aboot fowerty bords, aall aboot 21, kitted oot in young, posh lassies school dresses. Yer knaa like the ones from Larsurjess o’ worrever ye caall that school in the Toon. They was aall deed fit an’ aall! So anyways, I’m sittin’ there for what seemed like a b*st*rd lifetime waitin’ for a glimpse o’ some gym knickers wi’ me owld ‘yankin’-spanners ‘ firmly clamped aroond me ‘owld five-card-trick’ an’ then it happened........the f*ckin’ cortains shut. End o’ story. I didn’t even manage a twitch man! Nee nips, pins, bums or bugger aall! Then I clicked, it was just the interval wannit? Sometimes I can be so f*ckin’ stupid me!

Anyway, second half starts an’ it’s pretty much more o’ the same sh*te. Dialogue, actin’, singin’....but still nee bush. Not even a flash of gusset durin’ a Can-Can routine! So I gets me cowt an’ I waalks oot unimpressed, disappointed, and wonderin’ who the lucky b*st*rd was that Daisy pulled off.

Verdict:
Dee us a favour, divven’t gan an’ see this. Aall them bords, hockey sticks an’ canes on a stage an’ not one iota o’ titi-f*ckin-lation? Baalls more like!

Arran’s Rating:
1 star oot o’ 5
Showed early promise of being a must-see-bean-flicking-extravaganza, but in the end was a waste of a porfectly good Kleenex.

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HMP LUFC

Woodlouse and Bowyer. Did they or didn’t they? Whatever the outcome of the case next week, I reckon Leeds United took the correct stance on the issue. Innocent until proven guilty. A lot of clubs could learn from that. I, however, don’t think that they are......innocent that is

A mate of mine, who is a staunch Leeds fan wasn’t so much concerned about the outcome of the case, but was more perturbed as to why it took a young, professional athlete a good quarter of a mile to catch up with the cheeky little imp that had the audacity to call them names.

If I was a pro-footballer, raking in at least £500k a year and playing week-in-week-out for a team that I profess to love, I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be wound up by some young ‘un mouthing off at me outside a nightclub. Christ! They must get it ten times worse than that if they play at Old Trafford, Oakwell or even Elland Road after last week. Do they lash out there?

If they are found guilty on the 29th, then they deserve everything they get. You can’t go round tw*tting people....well you can if you’re sly about it, but not when you’re in the public eye like these two are. The victim of the alleged assault was of Asian origin and I dread to think that this had anything to do with why the kid was set about (allegedly). Put it this way; if you were an Asian Leeds United fan would you continue to support a team knowing that the players were very probably active members of the West Yorkshire branch of the KKK?

You wouldn’t. We at the Toon took offence when our board boasted about flogging us £40 replica kits that cost a pittance to make and called the good women folk of Tyneside ‘dogs’. Both are points that could be validly argued, but Shepherd and Hall didn’t stove our heads in outside a chip shop at 1am, and we were calling for their blood!

Anyway, if they are found innocent, good luck to them and I hope they’ve learned from past mistakes...but if they’re found guilty they’d best start getting those buttock muscles toned up for the expected onslaught of 100 or so burly, frustrated men with knackerbags like two tins of Fussel’s Milk that haven’t seen a woman in years. Now I’m not gay and I’ve got nowt against those who practice it, but if I was the “Mr Big” of the prison that these two will be guests of, I know which one I’d be calling “my bitch”.....and it’s not the Cockney lad.
 

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BIRDING WITH BILL ODDIE

No.1 – Cuckoo’s – A Comparison
 
Occurrence: Fairly common (hence it’s name)
Habitat: Dense woodland and parks
Plumage: Dull, grey/blue feathers
Call:  “Cuckoo, Cuckoo”
Habits: Laying eggs in neighbouring nests for the unsuspecting victim to hatch
Occurrence: Common as muck
Habitat: The Galleries
Plumage: Brightly coloured tracksuits
Call: “Hey man! That’s totally ladgeful!”
Habits: Laying ‘brown eggs’ in neighbours houses and making off with their possessions in a pillowcase

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Quiz answers
 
Part 1: Batty (Leeds), Howey, Charvet (Man City), Hislop, Pearce (West Ham), Ginola (Villa), Cole, (Man Ure), Watson, Pistone, Ferguson, Gascoigne (Everton), Armstrong (Ipswich), Hunt (Charlton), Ferdinand (Spurs), Guppy (Leicester), Hamman (Liverpool), Huckerby, Wright (Man City)
Rating: 1-3 Mackem / 4-6 Smoggy / 7-9 Man U tosser / 10-12 Ponce / 13-15 Not bad / 16-18 Canny lad 
Part 2: Bridges, Matteo (Leeds), Lawrence, Beagrie (Bradford), Given (Toon)
Rating: 0 Canny lad / 1-2 MetroCentre Mackem / 3-4 Peg seller / 5 Full-blown Mackem sh*tbag

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