Issue 22           September 2001
 
 
Featuring: Waffle
Canny Lad of the month
Wish You Were.....Wear!
Top 10 celebrity football ars*holes
Let's all laugh at Sun'lun
Arran 'Tynemooth' Mallinson
Tales from the West Bank
Wor Wheelie's crapping corner

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EDITORIAL

Welcome back. First off let me apologise for the lack of ‘Pud action’ over the past few months. This has been down to a few things. Firstly; changing job, secondly; a certain columnist in these very pages supplied me with what amounts to little more than a monitor and a keyboard on which to produce this rag and thirdly; I lost all of my original files for the layout etc. during the switch. Because of this, I have had to start from scratch with layouts and surf all over again for the different bits and bobs that made up the last few issues. So the Pud has been rebuilt from scratch…..like Robocop or Uncle Alan’s knees say. Hopefully everyone’ll enjoy the new Pud as much as the last one, and to help maintain those standards, I’ve now got the help of the renowned intellectual YM Martin Hizbollah. You can read his thoughts on page……….  Right! There may not be as many YM’s this season, but it is early days and if the whole season carries on as it started against the mackems it should be a cracker. Not the team, the YM’s that travelled! Tom hit peak form at about 6:45 on the train back home. After a b*ll*cking from another travelling mag and his 8 year old daughter, Tom resorted to singing slightly edited versions from his vast repertoire. You know the ones….”she wants rootin’, tootin’ bloody executin’ hangin’ from the toilet door” that sort of thing. Pidgeon’s sense of direction has deteriorated even more and Wheely Bin excelled himself in a manner most filthy after the Chelsea game. Don’t get me wrong. I don’t approve of these sort of shenanigans….I just think they’re really funny.


Isn’t anyone else in the club at all concerned about the murderous intentions that have recently come to the fore in ‘Wor Bob’ over the past few months or so? For example:

Jan 2001 “I’ll have to kill that Poyet one day…he’s the bane of my life”.

Aug 2001 “I could throttle him” on Zenden refusing to sign for Newcastle then scoring for Chelsea on the opening day.

Aug 2001 Solano, having missed a few sitters against the mackems was treated to this gem “If he scores a hat-trick for Peru, I’ll hang him”.

Makes John Gregory’s comments about Dwight Yorke and a gun seem almost tame. It does makes you think what he’d like to do to Marcelino though….


Finally, congratulations to our ex-Chairman JT and Sue who were wed in August. Not wanting to disrupt the ‘peace agreement’ from the last issue, I’ll just leave you with this picture of the happy couple taken at the reception.

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CANNY LAD OF THE MONTH

No 2 - Robbie Elliot

Fairly unanimous this month. Robbie walked it. There’s no Steve Stone type story to relay this month, just a listing of Robbie’s highlights in a Toon top:

Arsenal's Jermaine Jackson look-a-like, Glenn Helder being stretchered off after a full-blooded “tackle” from Rob. Helder was away down the right until he bumped into Robbie. Our hero flew in about 6” off the ground and duly dispatched the Dutch ponce into the North East corner of the family enclosure via the top of the advertising hoarding boards.

Turning up in the Newcastle end at Elland Road in October ‘97 to witness the 4-1 scudding from the ‘Super whites’ (aren’t they panty liners?). I spotted Rob, by now a Bolton Wanderers player of some 3 months, struggling up the steps to his seat just before kick off with his leg in a full length pot aided only by another Mag offering to carry his crutches.

Then there’s the goal against Arsenal when we were down to 10 men. His ‘Chicken’ dance on the rare occasions that he scores. A true diamond and totally the opposite to that soft Spanish bast*rd.

Welcome back Rob, but with a word of caution; don’t go babbying any local mobster's daughters!



F*NNY PAD OF THE MONTH

No 2 - Malcolm McDonald

Fairly strange one this. Strange in that only Dave Bailey witnessed it on Century radio up North. Dave felt aggrieved at something the bow-legged soak said on the station's '3 legends' phone in show, and promptly slated MacDonald on our message board. A few further negative comments we’re made towards our former idol (plus the odd suggestion that this month’s FROTM should go to our Chairman!)

Point A - Apparently Supermac complained on air that (as DB puts it) “there was no camaraderie in the Newcastle dressing room nowadays because players don't have the same team spirit as when he was playing. They think more of themselves and less of the team now”.

“So what about pissing off to Arsenal in 1977 for £333333.33 then ? Claimed he loved the Geordies .... but couldn't get on with Gordon the Chinaman. At least Shearer hung on and won the staring competition with the big nosed South Mollucan. So MM is my FROTM”……Quite.

But, how the f*ck would he know there was no banter?!?! When was the last time he was sat in there? Is he the tea lady at half-time (like a cockney Mrs Doyle but pouring out Kezzie Super instead of tea) or has he drilled a hole in the wall, Porkies style, to spy on the lads?

Point B - At Wembley in '98 (or was it '99? I can't remember...I'm sure the Strongbow is 10% down there) I noticed MM strolling up Wembley Way with that boiler that good ol' Brian (AC/DC) Johnson had the sense to bin. I walked over and shook his hand and asked for a photo. MM screamed like Ned Flanders and started mumbling inanely about how 'you should leave me alone, I'm only here for the match etc' before scurrying away like a startled bunny. Tosser!

Point C – (From The Observer-Sept’ 99) "Alan Shearer hit three goals against Luxembourg and then rained a few stinging blows on his critics -- chief among them Malcolm Macdonald, it seemed. The hat-trick provided Shearer with the perfect ammunition to hit back at Supermac for what was a surprisingly harsh attack on him in a tabloid during the week. Macdonald, once bigger than Shearer on Tyneside (sic), said he was a poor role model and, because of his overtly dirty game, not fit to be captain of England.
On top of his recent war with the recently departed Ruud Gullit at St James' Park, it was part of the increasingly hysterical clamour for Shearer's removal from the England team - intensified by criticisms in former FA Chief Executive Graham Kelly's new book.
'I need chances and I'll put them away,' he said. 'I'm part of a Newcastle side that hasn't done well at the start of the season and I take responsibility for that. But I don't have to answer to anyone, least of all discredited people. I listen to Bobby Robson, I listen to Kevin Keegan. As long as I keep those two people happy I'm not interested in anyone else.' "
Too right!
 

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WISH YOU WERE.....WEAR
   ....with Judith Charmless

Tucked away in the North East of England, lurking in the shadows of Tyneside lies a province that, at first, does not strike one as a popular tourist destination. However, the destination daubed ‘Little Lebanon’ by tour operators does have a lot to offer the discerning backpacker who fancies trying something a little different. We present to you our (dog) rough guide to Wearside.
 
8. Mackemland – Childrens Educational Theme Park
Your child can learn an awful lot in a day at Mackemland. From as little as £6 per child per day your youngsters will be taught the traditional Wearside way of spitting properly, go ‘hotting’ as well as learning to substitute the letters “oo” for “uwe” when talking. As well as all this, there is the option of having a ‘tide-mark tattoo’ washed into the grime on your childs neck – free of charge!

7. Pensha’ Monument
Do drugs with the local inbreds at this ‘world famous’ landmark then roll down the steep hill. The locals believe that this monument is an instantly recognisable structure, standing alongside the likes of Sydney Harbour bridge et al. They also believe that it is in fact an original Grecian Acropolis and is over 2,500 years old. It is in fact, less than 160 years old and was built by some fat, old trampy Mackems.

6. Mackem Basket making
Marvel at the craftsmanship of the only seven remaining employed people of Wearside. Watch their pudgy, sausage-like fingers struggle as they attempt to weave charming fruit baskets crafted from 100% genuine ginger Wearside pubic hair.

5. Crowtree “Lesh”
Smoke cigs with a pregnant 12 year old. Learn about, then try the ancient Wearside tradition of trading ‘head’ for 5ml of methadone. Visit the famous shopping trolley graveyard at the rear of the Leisure Centre then draw a caricature of an ejaculating male member on a bus stop before heading home.

4. The Galleries
Where else in the world do you see shoplifters at ‘Everything’s A £1’? You guessed it! The Galleries. Why not spend a full day in the North Easts mankiest shopping precinct. There is also a wide range of restaurants to chose from, so if you’re kids should become tired of the shopping, stick a f**kin’ pastie in their face like the locals do….it works a treat!

3. The National Glass Museum
A pleasant change and quite unexpected from a town known mainly for its women blowing and the glass to be breaking rather than making.

2. Tesco’s Roundabout
An item of wonder on South Tyneside. A 3 lane, tarmacadam, circular engineering masterpiece that never ends. The locals gaze upon it  with wonderment and gasp as the ‘iron horses’ from the sprawling Metropolis in the North pass by, ferrying their cargo of riches to faraway lands.

1. Pennywell Animal Heavy Petting Farm ?
A unique insight into one of Wearsides most traditional and popular pastimes. Remember the old Mackem adage “If you’ve never had nowt with fower legs then you’re not a proper Mackem?” Well, for just £3.50 admission you can take your pick from a wide range of farmyard animals to indulge yourself in. Whether you’re getting stuck into a goat, cocking a calf or poking a pig we’re sure you’ll have a great time doing what Wearsiders do best. Wearside truly is a region of animal lovers!
 





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CELEBRITY FOOTBALL ARS*HOLES

1. Angus Deayton (Man Utd)
Smarmy, smug and to top it all off a scum fan. Doesn’t this intellectual(ish) nob end have anything going for him?

2. Garry Bushell (Charlton)
When old f*nny face isn’t slagging off queers, Asians, blacks or anyone that isn’t him, he likes to pop out to the Valley to bellow threats to foreign players. W*nker!

3. Liam Gallagher (Man City)
Mono-browed, neanderthal baby-maker. Just ‘Imagine’ being sat next to this smelly  Lennon wannabe get at the match. At least he’s from Manchestuh though but.

4. Robbie Williams (Port Vale)
A die-hard Vale fan apparently. Then why did he have his photo taken in a Mackem shirt? Numpty!

5. John McCrirrick (The Toon)
Dearstalked, gobsh*te tic-tac tosser. Can’t imagine he gets many Saturdays off to watch the lads in his line of work. Can you?

6. Robson Greene (The Toon)
My mate used to go to school with him in Cramlington. He’s always quoted as saying that he was pushed into working the ‘Yards’ straight after school because of poverty etc. B*llocks! My mate reckons he was a right spoilt get. Nike Air’s the lot. He’s always spouting on about North Eastern heritage and Catherine Cookson et al, but I bet he can’t remember NUFC under Smithy and McFaul.

7. James Nesbit (Man Utd)
Mono-testacled, Cold Feet nice boy Adam. I know you get a lot of Irishmen supporting The Scum but this knacker is from Ulster….shouldn’t he at least be a ‘Gers fan? He’d still be in the list anyway.

8. Nigel Kennedy (Villa)
Posh ‘Cockerney’ violinist who desperately wants to be working class. Bit of advice mate. Skip on your season ticket for a year and see if you can get BUPA to get rid of your big wart. Originally wanted to support Sunderland but he heard that you had to be a pianist….or something similar to get into the S.O.S.

9. Neil Tennant (Sunderland)
This gay 80’s electro-pop mackem likes to go to the S.O.S. and stand behind the goal on his days off.  Some have suggested that this is because he enjoys having 11 ars*holes in front of him and 7,000 w*nkers behind him……not me though. It’s a sin.

10. Chris Moyles (Leeds)
Radio 1’s beaver chinned, salad dodging fat lad. Not a bad lad by all accounts, but what Moyles knows about Leeds United he could write on a postage stamp…and that’s only if he could manage to hold the biro in his big sausage fingers.
 

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LET'S ALL LAUGH AT SUN'LUN

A man goes to Newcastle airport and eventually goes into the departure lounge to wait for the call for his flight home. The place is a mess. All around him are overturned tables, smashed windows, upturned chairs, broken flight monitors and crowd control barriers littering the floor. "Christ, what happened here?" he asks one of the ground crew. "Oh yeah", he replies "Bloody hopeless it was, we had the Sunderland squad in here this morning filming the new Nike ad."

A Mackem girl called up her GP and asked what to do for her boyfriend's dandruff and he recommended Head & Shoulders. She called back a week later and asked "How do you give someone shoulders?"

What do you call a Mackem with no arms and no legs?
Trustworthy
 
 
Michael Gray had begun to find the going extremely tough after being dropped from the first team….he did quite enjoy wearing the heels though.       The launch of SAFC TV was proving to be a phenomenal success. Over 5% of the population of Wearside had subscribed to it. The other 95% just stole a neighbours satellite dish.

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ARRAN 'TYNEMOOTH' MALLINSON
 
Arran


"TyneMooth"
Mallinson
Voice of (Un)Reason

A monthly feature in which our very own "Raging Gnome" discusses life, the universe and...

ITV1 or 2 or what f*ckin’ ever it’s caalled….
(yer knaa, the one wi’ the fat gadge and the sock monkey thing!) Forst they gan an’ swipe Dishy Des then they gan an’ nick MOT f*ckin’ D from under the BBC’s noses, then to top it aall off, they put aall the f*ckin’ goals on at 7 o’ f*ckin’ clock! What the f*ckin f*cks aall tharaboooooottttt!?!?!? Nee more “doo doo doo doo, dur doo doo doo doo” to gan wi’ yer kebab n’ carry oot when yer gerrin from Cas’ on a Sarruduh neet, nar, nuw  we’ve gorra listen to that sh*te by U2! Anyways, I’m aalways in me bubble baff rapin’ me f*ckin’ fist at seven on a Sarraduh neet!

Red Novelty Wastepaper Bins what look like me with mooths for puttin’ yer  rubbish in!
What the f*ck are aall them aboot man?!?! F*ckin’ hell! If I wanted to put me chip wrapper in some b*stards mooth, I would!
Owld people getting’ married! What the f*ck are they aall abooot like!? I mean, look at it like this; his chopper’ll seen berra days, so’ll her knockers, he’ll be deed in a couple o’ yeors an’ his milm’ll be like tatty watta, so thaz nee chance o’ nippers comin’ alang. So what’s the f*ckin’ point in it aall eh? An’ why am I never invited alang to them? Groom frightened I’ll knick heez bride like?!?! 
 


 

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TALES FROM THE WEST BANK
   ....with Martin Hizbollah
 
 

 

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WOR WHEELIE'S CRAPPING CORNER

A new monthly feature in which our very own Dave Wheeler gives you the lowdown on the best places in the UK to “rake your cage out......

My best dump of the summer by far was at Kings Cross after the Chelsea game.
Crivvens! It was a monster! Like a broon Nessie, in fact. Except that, unlike Nessie it was witnessed by a live audience.
Jings! How the crowds cheered as I crapped into a urinal. It was a great occasion because as my colleagues can tell you, not a lot of people get to see me curling one out because I normally forget to take off my trousers before relaxing the owld T.C.M.

The only doon-side to the spectacle was failing to get oot o’ the bogs before PC Murdoch arrived. He marched me home by me lug with me trolleys in a Vicky Wine carrier bag.

That’s all for now, more sh*tting shenanigans next month folks.

Wheelie also recommends:
Virgin train toilets – Braw!
Tadcaster households – Double Braw!

Wheelie’s poem
I sh*te anywhere,
Any table, any chair,
In urinals, window-ledge,
In the middle, on the edge,
In me drawers or empty shoe
Any f*ckers lap will do,
Park one in a cardboard box,
Or in the cupboard with your frocks,
Anywhere! I just don't care!
I sh*te anywhere!
 

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